Meet The Team
by Cheese222
Summary: The Team: a select group of mercenaries with extraordinary abilities to destroy their enemies. Now only if the mercenaries were that sophisticated...
1. Chapter 1

Chapter one

"Number 33, please come in." A woman's voice announced over an intercom. In the room stepped in a young man, looking overconfident with himself and an aluminum baseball bat in his hand. A sawn off shotgun was slung over his shoulder and a pistol in his pocket. He was wearing a hat and a headset on his head and most of his hands and a portion of his arms were wrapped in bandages. As he walked, dog tags clipped to his neck. He took a seat across from a man hidden in the darkness. Cameras were pointed at Number 33.

"Yo, what's up?" Number 33 began, a Boston accent obvious in his speech.

The man straightened. "_You're _Number 33?" The young man had a very petite structure, surprising the man.

"That's right. Got a problem with it, man? 'Cause this bat alone has caved in more heads than I can remember."

"I'm sure it has. So let's start with the basics: what's your name?"

"Names? We don't need names. Imma Scout, that's my job, that's my name."

"Alright then, _Scout_, what exactly can you do? I hoped you didn't join this team to discuss baseball with us." The man put a file on the table.

"You be readin' my file? I don't think you have any idea who I am, man. Doesn't matter though, prepare to be amazed." Scout got up from the chair and rolled his neck. Then he jumped into the air exceptionally high, but then jumped again in midair, going so high he hit his head on the ceiling. "Damn!" He said, but immediately shook it off. "Nah, I've felt worse than that."

The other man was dumbfounded for a second. "How…How exactly did you do that?"

"Yeah, speechless right? Messin' with people is my job, boy."

"I don't quite understand what just happened." The man took a second to gather his thoughts. "You just defied the fundamental laws of physics. It's physically impossible to jump and then jump again in midair. That's only in video games."

"Video games my ass."

"Alright then, let's continue. It says that you also run remarkably fast as well. You can run about two times faster than most athletes. In fact, you didn't even drive here. You _ran_."

"That's right. Where I live, you either fight or run from your problems. And I can do both. If you were from where I was from, I bet you'd be fuckin' dead."

"A little overconfident, are you?"

"Overconfident? Man, ya' listen. Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and brotha'-" He poked at the man. "I hurt people."

"I find that hard to believe. Yet again, I find what has just occurred to be hard to believe."

"That's right, brotha', I'm a Force-A-Nature!"

"I see. Well, we consider your position for The Team, you can leave now."

"You don't pick me, you'll regret it. Me; basically a big deal." Scout got up from the chair, but still lingered.

"You can _go_ now, Scout."

Scout shrugged and opened the door. "See ya later, man!" He hesitated and turned back. "And give that announcer chic over tha' my number."

"She's as old as your grandmother, Scout."

"Then just tell her Scout said hi." He finally left.

-pagebreak-

"Number 52, please come in." The announcer said again, and now entered a towering hulk of a man, having a flat expression on his face. In both of his hands he had a minigun and carrying it as if he had all of his life; as if it was nothing. He had an ammunition belt on and had fingerless gloves on his huge hands. He went to sit down in the chair and placed the minigun on the table. The chair squeaked under the man's weight.

The man sitting across from him had to stand up to see the other. "And you are…"

Plainly, the man said, "I am Heavy Weapons Guy. I have come for job." His accent was a heavy Russian.

"Heavy, may I call you Heavy?" Heavy said nothing. "Heavy, what exactly _is _this gun?"

"_This_ is my weapon." He grabbed the weapon and then laid both of his hands covetously on it. "She weighs one hundred fifty kilograms and fires two dollar, custom tooled cartridges at two thousand rounds per minute. It cost four hundred thousand dollars to fire this weapon…for _twelve seconds_."

The man did the math. "You're carrying a three hundred thirty pound weapon? And how did you get the money for this?"

"Sascha is my life. She is my pride and joy."

"Sascha? You named your gun?"

Heavy nodded as if it was nothing as started to move the barrel of the minigun. Something caught his eye and he looked closer. He glanced at it for a second, and then panicked. "Oh my God, who touched Sascha? Alright…_Who touched my gun!_?" He yelled, getting up from the chair and taking out a shotgun slung over his back. The man had not seen it from the bulk of the man.

"Wait, calm down for a second Heavy." Heavy started putting the shotgun in the cameramen's faces, accusing them of touching the gun. "I said calm down!" He yelled, catching Heavy's attention. "We had to examine your gun for a test, its fine! Now put your shotgun away and we can continue!"

Heavy hesitated for a second before putting it away, sitting back in the seat. "Don't touch Sascha. Never again."

"We understand that now. Now do you have any specialties?"

"I like to shoot this gun is all you need to know."

"I understand. Now, no offense to you, Heavy, but you don't seem very dangerous to us. On that note, not very intelligent either. Why should we consider you for the job?"

"I am not dangerous. Sascha is dangerous. Shotgun is dangerous. My _fists_, they are dangerous. People like you think they could outsmart me. Maybe," He sniffed. "Maybe. But I have yet to meet one who can outsmart bullet." He pulled out one of Sascha's bullets on his ammunition belt to show him. "See smart tiny man be ripped apart. Then say we are not dangerous. Then say we are not smart." Heavy got up, took his weapon, and started to leave.

"Heavy! Heavy! We are not finished with the interview!"

"We are now." With that, he left.

-pagebreak-

"Number 65, please come in."

The door swung open, and in came Heavy. The man got up from his seat for a second, surprised. "Heavy? What are you doing back here?"

"_No one_ touches Sascha." He said, the minigun starting to spin. The man closed his eyes, ready to die, before he heard Heavy laughing. He opened one eye again to see Heavy starting to flicker and melt, forming another man. He was wearing a suit and tie, a strange mask over his face that only revealed his eyes and mouth. "Ah, zat never gets old." There was a French accent.

The man sat back down and put his head in his hands. "I'm not getting paid enough for this."

The other took out a cigarette case, carefully removed one, and lit it. Instead of taking a seat, he started to pace back and forth across the room, the cameramen watching his every move.

"Now…how did you do that?" The man said, voice muffled by still having his hands in his face.

"See zis?" He said, showing his cigarette case. The man looked up to see it. One half of the case was filled with all but one cigarette gone. The other half, however, was a sort of device that was named Spytron 3000 and consisted of a screen and three yellow buttons. "Zis is ze Spytron 3000. Press one button…" He pressed the first button, turning it red. "And zen press anuhzer," He pressed the second button. Smoke particles started to fill his body. "And _voilà!_" The man was now disguised as a person with a gas mask and flamethrower. "I took zis disguise from ze arsonist outside." He changed back.

"That's…unbelievable. How did you do that?"

"Now zat," He said, closing the cigarette case and putting it away. "Is confidential." He took a puff of the cigarette.

"Is there anything else you can do Mister…"

"Spy. I am ze spy. And to answer your question, yes." He pressed a button on his watch and then disappeared.

The man was silent for a second. He looked around but could not find Spy. "Spy?" Suddenly, he felt a barrel of a gun to his head.

"And zat is when I would pull ze trigger." Spy walked back to the other side of the desk, a revolver in hand. "Or use this." He put the revolver away and pulled out a butterfly knife, expertly opening it almost instantly. "Some say friends stab you in ze back. Isay _I_ will stab you in ze back." He closed the knife. "And I am no friend of yours." Spy started to leave.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

"We are done here. I believe you have made your decision." Before the man could say another word, Spy disappeared. The door opened and closed, but no one could be seen doing it.

-pagebreak-

"Number 67, please come in."

In came, just as explained by Spy, a person in a gas mask and carrying a flamethrower. This time, however, the man got a better glimpse. They were also carrying an axe and shotgun on their back and had a sort of ammunition belt for the flamethrower.

"Alright then, first things first. Name?"

"Mpppphhhh."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Mpppphhh!"

"You're mumbling; I can't hear you."

"Mpppphhh! Mhm Mpppphhh!"

"Okay, I'm sorry. How about we just call you Pyro?"

"Mph."

"Alright. By the next question, I mean no offense to you. But we can't tell by the whole suit and mask getup. Are you male or female?"

"Mpph? Mpph Mhhhm Mphhh!" Pyro seemed to be angry.

"Calm down, I didn't mean to offend you. Now what is it?"

"Mhhm Mhhhhhhpp."

"Okay." The man pretended to write something down. "Now what exactly do you do?"

"Mhmmmm Mppphhh Mmmmm Mhhhh-" Pyro was interrupted.

"How about you just show us?"

"Mph." Pyro got up and went to one of the cameramen. "Mpphh Mhh Mppppphh Mhh." Pyro pointed their flamethrower at the cameraman and set him on fire.

"Aggh!" The cameraman screamed and started running around, dropping the camera and smashing it. He dropped to the ground and started to roll, trying to put out the flames. Then suddenly, Pyro shot a ball of air out of the flamethrower and immediately extinguished the fire on the cameraman's body.

"Mhhh Mhhm!" Pyro said as if it was a 'Tah Dah!'

"Pyro! What'd you do that for!" The other cameraman kept an eye on Pyro but made more distance between them. The man went over to help the cameraman but glanced at the smashed camera as well. "And there goes the film." The cameraman pushed him away and went to the door.

"I could have died! You know what: Fuck you," He pointed to Pyro. "And fuck you!" He left.

"Mhht?" Pyro asked, shrugging.

"And there goes the cameraman. Alright Pyro, we got your number, we'll consider your position just go now." The man tried to force Pyro out.

Pyro held up a hand to stop him. "Mhhpp!" They held up their hands and put their wrists together, sending out a ball of fire out of their hands like a Hadouken.

"Yes, that is extraordinary, but I would rather have it if you left _now_." The man forced Pyro out the door and was gone.

-pagebreak-

"Number 89, please come in."

In stepped in a man with a hardhat and goggles on his head, wearing a work belt, overalls, and only one rubber glove on his hand. The work belt contained a wrench, two devices, and a pistol. He had a shotgun as well on his back. He took a seat calmly.

"What is your name?"

"If you really need ta' know, buddy, it's Conagher. Dell Conagher." He was very soft-spoken.

"Ah, finally a name. Not many people I have interviewed have given me their names, you see."

"I understand why. In that case, you can call me Engineer."

The man made a small sigh. "If you insist. Now, what exactly do you do?"

"Hey look, buddy. I'm an engineer-that means I solve problems. Not problems like 'What is beauty?' because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of philosophy. I solve _practical problems_."

"Practical problems?"

"Y'see, there are all kinds of people who want to tear me a structurally superfluous new behind. Now how exactly do I stop someone like that? Sure, I got weapons," He motioned to his shotgun, "but what I need are _real _guns. And, if needed, use more gun. That's how problems nowadays are solved, right?" He got up from the chair and took out one of the two devices from his belt. By pressing a few buttons on the device, which looked almost like a calculator, he placed a toolbox down and said, "Now watch."

The tool box opened up and out came a device that had a spherical design on it. It started to change on its own, growing into a tripod, then turning around and heaving out a gun nozzle. It started to turn around, scanning the room. The cameraman had hidden behind the desk by now.

A smile was on Engineer's face. "Amazing, ain't it? I call it a Sentry Gun. I can also upgrade it." With the wrench, he started to hit it enough and it somehow transformed. Its gun nozzle split in two and transformed into miniguns and belts of ammunition to support it. It also grew in size. "Now don't worry, it won't shoot you." Suddenly it turned and shot someone coming into the room. They screamed and died, sending blood on the floor. Engineer's smile had turned upside down. "Ah. I didn't expect that to happen. But I said it wouldn't shoot _you_."

The man nodded. "Yes, but I suppose we can get rid of that body. I think we've seen enough."

"Yeah, I understand." Engineer put the device away and took out the other. He pointed its antennae at the Sentry Gun and pushed its only button. The gun exploded into pieces of metal, which Engineer gathered together. "Hope to see ya' again." He said, tipping his hardhat a bit before leaving.

-pagebreak-

"Number 100, please come in."

In came a man, a hat and sunglasses on his head, and a sniper rifle in one hand, a jar of yellow liquid in the other. He also had a submachine gun and a sort of blade on his back. He also had a very rugged look to him. Placing the jar on the table and the sniper rifle in his lap, he took a seat.

"What's your name?"

"Mundy. But call me Sniper, mate. Easier ta' remember." He had a strong Australian accent.

The man glanced at Sniper's jar. "What's in this jar? Urine?"

"Now why would I piss in a jar? No, it's lemonade. Get thirsty when ya are on the job."

"Can I have some?"

"Have as much as ya'd like." Sniper's edge of his mouth twitched a bit.

The man opened the jar and, without smelling it, took a drink of it. He immediately spit it out and started to cough. Sniper finally couldn't hold in his laughter. "I...I can't believe ya fell fer that, mate!" He said in between laughs.

"You bastard!" The man said, continuing to cough. "Delete that from the film!" He yelled to the cameraman, who was also laughing. After he had recovered, he had nothing to do but continue with the interview. "What exactly do you do?"

"What d'ya think I do? I'm a sniper. I'm an assassin. Now mind what me Dad says, I am _not_ a crazed gunman. I follow by three rules: be polite, be efficient, and have a plan to kill everyone ya meet. Worked fer me fer years. And I follow by this: Long as there's two people left on the planet, _someone_ is going to want _someone_ dead."

"Inspiring. Anything else you can do but snipe?"

"Yes. I've got that Spy ya saw earlier to come in to demonstrate something." The door opened then closed, meaning that Spy was invisible. "Now look at this, mate." He took the jar, opened it, and threw it at the space Spy was occupying. Suddenly, the Spy became revealed and he was covered with the urine.

"_Sacrebleu_! My suit! I can get blood out; but zis…" Spy, in an embarrassed and angry rampage, left the room.

"Its call Jarate." Sniper said to the man. "So am I hired, mate?"

"We'll think about it. You can go now, Sniper." The man said, disgusted.

-pagebreak-

The man was running out of the room he had been in all day, another man following him. "But we have one more interview!"

"I've gone through one hundred people today, and most of them are nuts! I'm actually thinking that I am too!"

"Can't you just interview this one person?"

"I don't care!" He considered it for a second. "What's his job anyway?"

"He's a demoman."

"A what?"

"Demolitions expert."

"Great! He's hired!"

"You're not even going to interview him? But what if-"

"I don't care if he's a drunken, half-blind demoman! He's hired! Now let me go home!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two

The seven aforementioned mercenaries had now assembled in the same room where they had been interviewed by "tiny man" as Heavy put it. They were silent all except for Scout, who simply wouldn't shut up about a team called the Red Sox, which all but Engineer and possibly Pyro hadn't heard of before in the first place, being from other countries. By the time when they were ready to pull out their guns and watch Scout's brains being blown out, the man had finally arrived.

"Ah, you're all here. It is _good_" He almost choked out the word. "To see you _again_. But I should welcome you to The Team. And now that you're part of it, I can tell you my name. It is Smith."

"Yeah fuckin' right." Scout muttered.

Smith ignored him. "This will be your home twenty four hours, six days a week. You will be sent home on Sundays, but we can immediately call you back if an emergency arises. We will be paying you, and said paycheck will go into your bank account every day you work here."

"Every day? Why's dat?" Scout asked.

"Because we possibly won't see you the next day."

"Believe me; you'll see a lot of me. I don't die easily." The whole room seemed to groan at this.

Smith continued. "You will have room and food, of course. All of your rooms will be on the second floor of the building except for Engineer's, which will be in the garage." Engineer made a nod of a thank you at this. "Now you are called The Team, and before we send you on your missions you must be able to work as one. We run practice simulations in this building. In it, you will either be on one of two teams: RED or BLU. In this simulation, BLU will be trying capture control points that RED will be defending. You can die in these simulations but will respawn to life in about 15 seconds, like in video games. The levels will be ten minutes long. Heavy, Spy, Sniper, and Scout will be on BLU team and Demoman, Pyro, and Engineer will be on RED. Any questions?"

Pyro raised their hand. Smith sighed and pointed to them. "Yes, Pyro?"

"Mppt Mpphhhh Mhhhhhe-"

"Pyro, for the last time, we can't understand a word you're saying with that damn mask on your face!"

"Mph."

"Any _other _questions?"

"When do we go take a piss in one of these simulations?" Scout asked.

"Ya' can borrow one o' my jars." Sniper said.

"I think I'll pass then."

Smith didn't even ask if they were any other questions. "Everyone ready? Good." He said, not waiting for an answer. "Let's go then!" They followed him to an elevator. When it arrived, he tried to figure the situation out. "Okay, Heavy, you can go on." Smith didn't want Heavy to climb the stairs, else he rip him apart when they got to the top. Heavy went to grab his minigun, but Smith stopped him. "I can get a team to take your gun up the stairs, Heavy."

"_No one_ touches Sasha." He said, snatching up the weapon and putting it on the elevator. Now over half of the elevator was filled with their bulk.

"Hey, get da fat man out of da elevator! We can't fit!"

"Shut it, puny boy."

"Or what? You'll shut it for me? Lame."

Smith continued, ignoring them. "Sniper, Pyro, Spy, and Scout can be the last to get on this elevator since they're small."

"Hey!" They said in unison, though Pyro's response was more like, "Mhhhhey!"

It might've been from fear of being on an elevator with Heavy in it, but Scout said, "Nah man, I can take the stairs. I bet a million bucks I can reach the top before ya! Watch; I'm gone!" Indeed Scout was, merely a blur as he headed right.

Smith called to him, "Stairs are to the left!"

"I knew dat!" Scout said and dashed that way.

"Alright then, Engineer, you can take Scout's place." Engineer nodded and got inside. "Second floor!" He called as the elevator closed. "The rest of-" He began but saw it was just Demoman left. "Guess it's just you and me then." He said, and they grumbled as they headed up the stairs; Scout mocking them at the top.

-pagebreak-

BLU team

It was a long wait before the round of the simulation started so they had nothing to do but sit in silence. Scout, however, once again tried to break it.

"Alright everyone, I'm Scout. Now to make sure we can work as a team, I gotta know one thing, anyone hate da Sox?" He made a look that almost dared them to answer.

They groaned, tired of hearing about them. "What Sox?" Heavy said, the other two agreeing with them.

"You don't know? C'mon, man you really don't know?" Scout sighed. "Sad, man, real sad. Dey are da singlehandedly best baseball team in da world!"

"If et makes you shut up, I do not hate zat team." Spy said, speaking for everyone.

"Good. Now as you very well might know, _I'm _da singlehandedly best _person_ on dis team and da only one apparently manly enough to talk, so I think I should be dis team's leader. So I think-"

"Puny boy can't be leader." Heavy suddenly said.

"Yeah, well a _fat ass _like you can't be either!" Scout said, challenging him.

"I crush you!" Heavy said, taking a step towards him.

"Ooh, I'm real scared. 'Heavy crush. Heavy smash'. What're ya, da Hulk? C'mon man! But if ya want ta' kill me, you'll have ta' catch me first!" Heavy let out a roar and started to chase after him. But Scout, being more than four times as fast as him, easily got away. "C'mon, I'm runnin' circles around ya!"

Spy suddenly tripped Scout, causing him to fall flat on his face while Sniper tried to keep Heavy from tearing Scout limb from limb. "You are such _children_." Spy said. "I zhought zis team would be more mature zhan zis."

"Whateva ya say, Frenchy." Scout said, dusting himself off. He then thought of something and grinned. "But ya didn't act so mature when dat shower of piss got all over ya!"

"_Zat_ was indefinitely childish." Spy said, glaring at Sniper.

"Its fer defense, mate! Besides, where do ya go take a piss when you're busy turning everyone's 'ead into a fine red mist, ey?" Sniper answered.

"Wonder where he stores his shit." Scout muttered, and then made a horrified face. "And what he does wit _dat_."

Sniper continued yelling at Spy. "And what can ya do, mate? Turning invisible and 'aving a pretty gun isn't going ta 'elp ya from being blown inta bits! 'ow's that going ta 'elp us?"

"10 seconds left." The announcer said.

"I gahzer intel about ze ozer team! I am ze Spy!"

Scout spoke up again. "Yeah, I'm da Scout, nice ta meet ya; but dat's my job, man. I scout things out, got it?"

"You're a coward is what you are. Zat is how you learned to run so fast, I bet!" Spy said and returned to Sniper. "You as well! You hide en ze back while we risk our lives to do everyzing!"

"I'm saving your life, ya bloody wanker!" Sniper snapped back.

While his other teammates were yelling at each other and were distracted, Heavy went up to Scout and suddenly lifted him into the air easily with one hand. "_Die_, puny man!" Fear appeared on Scout's face. "Run now, coward!" This seemed to cause a spark that caused the whole room to erupt into a fighting scene. Though they had their primary targets when they began, it soon turned into no one knowing who was fighting who; whose eye they were turning black or teeth they were smashing.

Meanwhile, the countdown continued. "….3, 2, 1!" An alarm went off and doors that were once closed to keep BLU team inside until the countdown ended opened. The fighting team didn't respond to either one, so the announcer said, "The round has begun!" Still nothing, so she remained quiet.

RED team

"Got any aces?"

"Go fish."

The RED team was sitting on the control point, cards in front of them. A Sentry Gun, now in its most advanced stage by now being able to fire rockets, was scanning around the point. It had not fired a bullet since the beginning of the round. Demoman's bottle of scrumpy was shared between Engineer and Demoman, Pyro being left out, having no mouth to put it in anyway. The bottle was almost empty now, most having gone into a now drunk Demoman. Engineer fished a card from the deck.

It was now Demoman's turn. "Pyro…Do yeh…Do yeh got me any...any twelve's?" He said, speech slurred by his drunkenness.

"Twelve's aren't in the deck, Demo." Engineer said.

"Dammit!" Demoman said and took a long drink of the scrumpy, finishing it. He then started to cry. "Everyone…everyone thinks I'm a big one-eyed monster." He burped loudly. "Do yeh got me any…threes?"

"Mhhho fhhhshhh." Pyro answered.

"Pyro said go fish." Engineer translated. But Demoman wasn't in the game anymore; he was passed out, his cards scattered around him and a now broken scrumpy bottle in his hand. Engineer plucked a card from the deck and put it on Demoman's stomach. "You're turn, mumbles." He said to Pyro.

"Mppph Mhhhhy Mpppphhs?"

"What?"

"Mpppphhs."

"Look here, Pyro. Speak up or shut up, darn it!" Pyro grew angry at this and threw his cards to the ground, then taking out their flamethrower and burning the cards to ashes. Then Pyro burned the ashes. "Now what'd ya do that for, Pyro? That's tha' only pack o' cards!"

"Mph."

"Look, buddy, I'm sorry, okay?" Pyro didn't respond. Engineer got up and gathered his weapons together. He changed the subject. "You wanna go see what them BLU cowards're doin'?" He said with a smile, meaning he wanted to come to them instead of waiting for them to come to him. Pyro nodded. "Demo, guard this point here." He said to the unconscious man and chuckled. Going over to the Sentry Gun, he used his device to make it go back into the toolbox to make it easier to carry. By the time he got this, Pyro was gone, but he could see a red dot running toward BLU team's base.

Engineer set up his Sentry Gun at the gate of BLU team, where it was built back to its former state in seconds, and watched as it put bullet holes in them when they tried to run away from Pyro's flame after splitting apart after firing. When they respawned again, they had to run from both their teammates and the enemy team.

"An enemy's enemy is mah friend, right Pyro?" He asked after their opponents were dead once more. "Dominated, ya BLU varmin!" He yelled at their corpses.

-pagebreak-

"…and this happened for the next five minutes, am I right, Mr. Smith?" A woman's voice said to him.

Smith was in a strange sort of control room where screens covered over a whole portion of an entire wall. At its controls was the woman, sitting in a chair, the back of the chair to him so she could watch the screens. On the screens were multiple camera angles of a building, showing The Team sleeping or, in Engineer's case, wide awake and at work with his machines. Screens also showed the simulation.

Smith shrunk at these words, embarrassed. Then, as if the woman sensed this, she spun around to face him. She was very aged, but her hair was dyed black except for a white streak going through it. She wore a purple dress with earrings to match and a cigarette was smoking in her hand. "Mr. _Thompson_." She began and Smith, his identity revealed as Thompson, froze for a second. He had not expected her to know his alias. She read his thoughts. "You didn't think we wouldn't know your alias, did we?"

"It was to protect my family; I-"

"Hush Mr. Thompson. Let's get down to the _real _business. You were ordered to find mercenaries to become a team of professionals for our missions. And out of _one hundred_, you chose these seven? These seven are in no fit for The Team. Four of them were fighting each other during the entity of the round and one, the drunken half-blind one, which I find to be a bad choice in the beginning, was passed out during most of it. We can't have that in the middle of a mission. How do you expect me to react to this?

"I should kill you for this. But since I appear to be in a good mood today, I'm going to give you a choice. We have a sniper posted near your house aimed at your wife's head. At the sign of my signal, he will fire."

"What! But-"

"_Let me finish_, Mr. Thompson. Your second choice is that I have another sniper to shoot you where you stand."

"But my wife is pregnant! You can't kill her and I can't let my baby go fatherless!"

"Ten seconds. If you don't decide by then, you both, or in reality, you three, will die."

Thompson spent a precious second to think. "How about if I give you all of the money in our bank accounts? Please!"

"Five."

"The house too!"

"Four."

"Please, don't make me choose!"

"Three. _Two_…"

"Wait! Stop! Choose me! Just-" Thompson's head flung back, a spurt of blood and brains shooting out of it. He collapsed to the floor.

The woman took a deep inhale of her cigarette. Then said, smoke coating her words, "Wasn't even your baby in the first place." She said to the body. Out of the darkness behind Thompson came another man. "Ah, yes Mr. Mundy. Your 'pay'. Don't you worry, we won't lay a hand on your family. I give you my _word_."

Mundy tipped his hat to her. "Pleasure doin' business with ya, sister." He then left, satisfied.

The woman sat back in her seat when he was gone. "I give you my word." She repeated, and then laughed. "That's a good one." She stopped. "What is it, Miss Pauling?"

Miss Pauling was surprised for a second for the woman to have heard come in. "Um, you just called is all."

"Yes I need you to take care of the _traveling circus_."

"Wait. What about-"

"Dead. Get to it Miss Pauling and get rid of the body."

"Yes Ma'am."

-pagebreak-

Miss Pauling walked to the door of the room where the mercenaries had assembled the day before and was about to open it but then hesitated. She knocked instead. It opened a crack and Demoman's eye patch poked out. Then, realizing he couldn't see with it, he switched it to his good eye. Before Miss Pauling could say anything, he said, "Go home, lassie. _Men_ are fighting here." He shut the door in her face. She sighed and knocked again.  
>This time Scout, hearing the commotion, opened the door. When seeing her, he opened the door all the way to reveal himself. "Hey. I'm da Scout. Nice ta meet ya." He smiled at her. "And what's your name?"<p>

"Miss Pauling. Can I come in?"

"_Miss_ Pauling, huh? Sure, you can come in." He watched her come in and shut the door behind him.

As soon as she entered, she wanted to get this over with. Being in a room with seven people who killed people for fun wasn't comforting. "Okay, then. I'm Smith's new replacement and-"

"Replacement? What 'appened to 'him?" Sniper asked, and Miss Pauling glanced over at his face, trying to read it, knowing what he had done. But his face was straight, not even a twitch in it.

An answer had already been prepared. "Fired. Now-"

"Why tiny man fired?" Heavy asked suddenly.

"Forget it. You-"

"Wanna go out to dat taco place after this? I'm free on Sundays." Scout said.

"Just listen! Okay, you're going to that simulation again today with the BLU team being Engineer, Spy, and Scout and RED team being Heavy, Pyro, Sniper, and Demoman! Got it?" She snapped at them, tired of being interrupted.

"Geez, what's got your panties in a bundle?" Scout said.

Miss Pauling left the room after that statement, not wanting to listen to the mercenaries anymore.

-pagebreak-

BLU team

Scout was waiting at the gate, scattergun in his hands, ready to bolt once the announcer gave the ready. He glanced around and saw Pyro passing by and suddenly yelled into his microphone, "Hey RED team! Guess what? You suck!" The earpiece was connected to the speakers throughout the simulation to communicate to his teammates, but he wanted to have fun with it. He laughed to himself and didn't notice Spy sneak up behind him and suddenly snatch his earpiece from his head.

"May I borrow your earpiece?" Then without waiting for an answer, he said into the microphone in a mocking voice, "This is Scout! Rainbows make me cry!" RED team's laughs were loud enough for Scout to hear and turned red from embarrassment. He snatched up his baseball bat and was prepared to smack Spy in the face with it but the latter was already gone. He ignored it and, bored, went over to Engineer, which he saw was building something.

"What'cha doin', Eng?" He asked.

Engineer glanced at him. "This is a Dispenser." He said, patting it. "Designed it ma' self last night. By tha name, it dispenses ammo and health just in case ya get into trouble. 'Course for me, I can use tha ammo for metal to build other things."

"Cool! Can I try?"

Engineer was confused. "Sure, buddy. Hurt yourself and you can try it out." He shook his head and continued to work on it.

"Hey can I get one over near that cliff when da round starts?" Scout, said, pointing.

"I'm workin' on this one here. It'll be a short run back for you."

"But I need a Dispenser _dere_!"

"Sorry, son. Workin' on this one here." He repeated. The round suddenly started and Scout ran off. Annoyed that Engineer wouldn't build the Dispenser, he screamed into his earpiece, "Need a Dispenser here! Need a Dispenser here!" This repeated over and over again until the patient Engineer almost went crazy.

RED team

"Run cowards!"

"God save tha' queen!"

"Get 'am Boyos!"

"Hudda hudda huuh!" In their triumphant start of the round, they turned around to face Pyro. Pyro rose their shoulders and asked, "Mhht?"

"_English_, mate. We all speak it, might as well use it." Sniper said. Pyro, angry, decided to walk away instead of burning their teammate.

Demoman started to speak in a slurred voice, being as drunk as always and then ran into a wall and collapsed. "That English?" Heavy asked. Then he copied Demoman's actions. "R…run cow…cowards." He ran straight into a wall hard enough to collapse like Demoman.

Sniper sighed and face palmed at this. Suddenly a blade dug into his back and he cried out, trying to grab it in his last moments of life. "Take zat, you filthy jar man!" Spy said to Sniper, putting his butterfly knife away. He turned on his invisibility and Pyro came out of nowhere running at him, flamethrower spewing fire at full blast. It revealed Spy, who was then burned to a crisp.

Pyro glanced at their collapsed teammates. "Mhhyphhhr? Hhhvvy? Demhhhmhhhn?" Pyro nudged them with their foot. Thinking them all dead, Pyro knelt down to the ground and cried to the skies, shaking their fists, "Mhhhhhhhhhoooooooo!"

BLU team

"Bonk! Yeah, eat it fatty! Maybe dat'll convince your fat ass to lose a few pounds!" Scout said as he finished off Heavy with a blow to the head with his baseball bat and headed towards the control point. He heard Sniper's bullets whizz by his head and could feel the heat of Pyro's fire as he double jumped over it. As he finally landed on the control point he was _supposed_ to capture this time, he cried out triumphantly before the sticky bombs near his feet exploded, instantly killing him.

"Kaboom!" Demoman said, doing a pelvic thrust and lifting up his lower body armor to show off his smiley face for the freeze cam to capture for Scout to see. The smiley face, as in a note with a smiley face drawn on it that was taped to his crotch.

Scout respawned near Engineer, who groaned when he arrived. "Hey Eng, can I have a Dispenser over dere?"

"I have _fifteen_ fully upgraded Dispensers around tha place. Can't you use one of those, _buddy_?" The last word tasted like poison to him.

"But I need a Dispenser-"

Engineer finally snapped. "Shut the _fuck_ up with the 'need a Dispenser here'!" He reprogrammed his Sentry Guns to attack Scout and the one beside him started firing rocket's his way.

"What the hell, man? What'd I do?" He continued to curse as he ran, trying to dodge the multiple rockets. Engineer cashed after him with his shotgun, trying to shut him up, which he wasn't until he was merely a pile of bloody body parts.

-pagebreak-

"They don't look like viable candidates to me." Miss Pauling said, glancing at the screens and standing near the announcer's chair.

"Not _yet_. They may think this is a big game to them, but we can make this a war that can force them to become a real team. Let's see them laugh at that. Send them a team to their quarters tonight and let's see what happens."

"But…" Miss Pauling stopped when the woman rose an eyebrow at her. "I mean, okay. I'll get right to it."

"That's what I thought." She said, returning to the screens.

-pagebreak-

Engineer

Engineer thought he heard movement during the night. He had been working, trying to upgrade the Dispenser, when he heard what sounded like footsteps. Getting up, he creaked open the door of the garage that linked to the building and snuck in, shotgun in hand. He locked the door and saw a light go on and walked softly towards it. A shadow of a person loomed, something in their hand. Engineer checked that his shotgun was full before charging in, planning to hold them at gunpoint and question them.

He charged in as planned but stopped as he saw merely Heavy there, eating a sandwich or, as he lovingly called it, a sandvich. The light had been from the refrigerator. Engineer sighed with relief as he was walking back until he felt the butt of a gun smack against his head, causing him to fall unconscious. He went black but not before seeing Heavy starting to flicker and melt into another figure.

Sniper

Sniper had been getting some sleep, the only sleep he provided himself to get, a mere four hours. But that was all he needed, and was a light sleeper if anything occurred. That was exactly what happened. He felt his door of his room creak open and knew it wasn't one of The Team. He had specifically told them to never open his door. The only possibility would be Scout, but the attack intended for the intruder was coming anyway.

Pulling his kukri from under his pillow, he used the flat side to smack it against the intruder once they got close enough. They staggered back and held up their hands. "Wait! I come in peace!"

Sniper gave him an odd look. "Shut your trap, ya liar. I'm not deaf. And ya stole my sleep."

"Really? Oh, I'm really sorry! I was just told to do this, didn't mean to do anything like that. I'll just leave then and let you get back to your sleep." This intruder was a bad actor.

"In hell, ya bloody wanker!" He stabbed the kukri through the intruder's heart, killing him instantly. Sniper grabbed his weapons and headed out the door to warn his teammates.

Scout

"No, ma. I don't wanna go to school." Scout said, half asleep, feeling someone try to arouse him from sleep."I think I feel a little warm, ma. I don't think I need ta go anymore." He rolled over.

"C'mon mate! Someone's broken inta the building!"

"Dey can wait until morning." Sniper had had enough of this and lifted the mattress from under Scout, causing him to tumble to the ground. Scout hit his head the wall as he fell and was wide awake. "What da hell, man? I was trying ta get some sleep!"

"So was I, before someone tried to kill me. Someone's broken inta the building!"

Scout glanced over at a nearby digital clock. "C'mon its only…" He squinted, trying to read it. "It's…Sniper can ya read dat?"

"3:00."

"Yeah, it's only 3:00 in tha mornin', man! Couldn't dey at least have waited until eight or somethin'?"

"Doesn't matter, mate. Let's go."

Scout grabbed his weapons and headed out, still grumbling about losing his sleep. He walked to the door and opened it, rubbing his eyes with one hand and his scattergun in the other. An intruder stood right outside and, in the middle of a yawn, fired his gun and killed the intruder with a blast to the head, their head exploding. Scout glanced up noticing. "Look at _that_, man!" He nudged the body with his shotgun.

Sniper gave him a look. "Ever thought of becoming a Sniper?"

Demoman

Demoman had been wandering the halls when the intruders arrived. His seemingly never emptying bottle of scrumpy was in one hand and he was already half-drunk. Or half sober if you're positive. Seeing the intruders, however, didn't stop him from cracking the bottle on one of their heads and chasing after them with his grenade launcher. Explosions rocked the whole building from it, causing the whole portion of the floor to collapse to the next.

He was knocked out from the blast and the floor caved in the garage. Demoman's limp body fell onto a Dispenser.

Engineer

Engineer regained consciousness when the floor crashed through the garage. He realized he was in a chair tied up, no doubt from the person who knocked him out. He wondered why he had not been killed but realized he needed to escape. But he had nothing sharp to cut through the rope and no weapons. He glanced over at Demoman, who had just fallen onto his Dispenser. He hobbled towards him, still tied, just missing a car sized chunk of ceiling that fell into the space he was once occupying.

He breathed a sigh of relief and nudged Demoman with his foot, hoping to arouse him so that he could untie him. There was no response, however, and Engineer was forced to sit there, helpless, until Demoman would hopefully awake.

Sniper

They had found Pyro chopping a burned body to pieces and, at that moment, thanked themselves for Pyro having that mask so they couldn't see Pyro's possibly maniacal expression on their face. But they didn't even dwell on it as they got together, trying to warn the others. It was then that they felt an explosion rock through the floor.

"I'm going ta go check that out. Scout and Pyro, try ta find tha others."

"Finally. This was getting boring anyway." Scout said and ran off, Pyro trying their best to follow.

As Sniper got closer to the explosion's source, he felt a presence behind him. He pulled out his submachine gun and started firing wildly. A few bullets caught on something out of sight and the invisibility cloak faded, revealing Heavy. Sniper was confused. "Heavy?" Heavy flickered and melted into another man, who proceeded to run away. Sniper chased after him, kukri now in his hand. He slashed it through the air blindly.

His efforts prevailed and cut the same man he found. The man fell and Sniper caught him. He was about to slit his throat when he thought about it for a second, and put his blade away. Putting the submachine gun against the man's head, he ushered him forward, taking him prisoner.

Spy

Spy had been awaken by the feeling that something was wrong. He bolted upright and reached for his revolver, sensing danger. But he couldn't find it and patted down his suit, desperate for it. Then he felt his wrist and found that his watch was also gone. Stress overcoming him, he reached for his cigarette case to grab one but also found nothing.

"Zis is bullshit." He said and proceeded to overturn furniture, trying to find these items. He found nothing but saw that he still had his butterfly knife and his lighter. It was enough, he supposed. Using the furniture, he reached an air duct system and crawled into it, hoping to find somewhere. He finally reached a group of people standing around discussing something. He also found Heavy, unconscious or dead, on the ground. How they managed to subdue Heavy flew through his mind but he ignored it.

He was called Spy, but he didn't bother to spy on them. He knew they were intruders and that his items had been stolen. And that was a dead man to him. Using his knife, he cut a piece of fabric from his suit and set it on fire. He dropped it on a nearby unoccupied chair, which immediately caught on fire. The fire engulfed the chair and a spark caught on a table and another spark on an oven. Then everything really started to burn.

"You smell something cooking?" One of the people said and saw the fire. They all scrambled to put it out but it grew even larger, too large for them to put out with merely their shoes. And the fire had already engulfed the sink in flames. They ran out of the room, coughing up smoke.

Spy laughed at them until he realized a flaw in his plan. An unconscious Heavy was still in the corner. "Dammit." He said and opened the air duct, holding his breath. He tried to drag Heavy through a door, but he was not strong enough. "Dammit!" He yelled and almost considered leaving Heavy before an explosion rocked the place and the floor exploded from under him. Heavy slid along with it, but Spy held on, trying to regain his balance. A flame suddenly licked his hand and he pulled it back, simply instinct, before losing his balance.

He fell and hit his head, almost knocking him out cold, landing in the garage. Shaking off the pain, he found a tied Engineer and an unconscious Demoman.

"Spah! Help me out, would ya?" Spy cut free the ropes with his butterfly and Engineer was free. "Thanks fer that, buddy."

"We are not safe yet. My fire will be here any second now."

"Dammit." Engineer said.

Scout and Pyro

Scout suddenly stopped, smelling the air. "Hey Pyro, do ya smell somethin'? Either Spy's had one too many cigs or da place is on fire." They approached the source and found the fire. Scout, seeing the intruders scramble out. "Oh _hell _yeah!" He said, firing at them with his scattergun. They fell at once under the power of the gun. "Yeah, take dat, ya freakin' morons!"

Pyro, however, went to the fire. Using their flamethrower's compression blast, they put out the flames but tumbled down a hole in the room. There Pyro found some of his teammates.

"Pyro? What're ya doin' here?" Engineer asked.

Pyro demonstrated what he had done by making a fire and then putting it out with his flamethrower. "Mhhhh mhhhd mmmmt!"

Spy, not knowing what Pyro had said, began to talk. "Let's get ze hell out of here before anohzer zing happens." Together, they half lifted, half dragged Heavy's body out of the building, getting assistance from Scout along the way. They came back for Demoman as well.

Sniper

As the whole team celebrated having survived the attack, Sniper approached Spy and handed him his cigarette case and watch. "Here ya go, mate."

Spy kissed the items, having missed them in the five minutes he had not seen them. Then he realized something. "Wait. Where is my revolver?" He saw Sniper's prisoner. "And who is zat?"

"Needed someone ta question, ta interrogate for answers. And I didn't find a-" Spy knocked the revolver out of the prisoner's hand just as he was about to fire it at Sniper's head. He snatched it up and pointed it at the prisoner. "Thanks fer that." Sniper said, still surprised that he had almost been killed. "Guess I owe ya then fer saving my life."

Scout suddenly spoke up. "Hey guys, don't mean ta burst yer bubble but Heavy's bleedin' pretty bad. I think he might be dead."

Engineer glanced at Heavy. "I think we might need a doctor."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three

Heavy was lying down on a hospital bed, covered with blood. All of the Team except for Spy, Pyro, and Sniper who were interrogating the prisoner was around him, not at the least concerned. They were all sitting around except for Scout, who had found a stick and was poking Heavy's eyelid with it. He glanced off at a female nurse walking by and the stick slipped and stabbed through the eyeball. Scout jumped back and backed away, whistling, trying to act as if he hadn't done it. A nurse came into the room but Scout ignored them, the nurse being male.

"A doctor will be with you shortly. By the way, how exactly did this happen?"

"Biking accident." The Team said in unison, the best answer they could think of.

The nurse seemed confused but walked away. Merely a second later, a doctor came in, saying to someone, "Eins, zwei, drei…Ugh, I do not zink ve brought enough body bags." The doctor was wearing a medical coat, red rubber gloves, and a pair of glasses. He had a heavy German accent. He closed the doors of the operating room then glanced over at Heavy and laughed. "Vat a bloodbasz, is it not?"

"So is he gonna live or not, doc? I got a date at da taco place nearby." Scout asked, bored.

"It's only Tuesday, Scout." Engineer said.

Medic answered Scout. "Vell, zat depensz. How much are you villing to pay?"

Engineer spoke up. "Look here, doc. This guy's pretty darn hurt, and it would all be in our best interest if ya got to work."

"Very vell zen. But you vill be paying bill, correct?" The doctor gave him a look and went over the unconscious Heavy, studying the injuries. He spoke to himself as studied. "Burns, cuts, nozhing major. Ah, vat is thisz?" He yanked out the stick from his eyeball without any sign of remorse. "Ah, yes. Here it isz." He glanced at the gaping hole in Heavy's heart location where a knife had been stabbed into it and twisted. He pulled this out too and Heavy's heart began to squirt out blood. Tossing the knife, he muttered, "I zink ve vill need ze big guns."

"He's lookin' a little pale, doc. When's he gonna die?" Scout said, glancing at the blood now getting on the floor.

"Soon, soon." The doctor said waving it off as if it was nothing. "Vait here." He left the room and went into another room and disappeared for a few minutes. Scout swirled his finger in the blood to pass the time and kept glancing at the clock. The doctor finally arrived, a pack on his back connected to a strange looking gun in his hands.

"Look, man. You gonna heal dis guy or what? We ain't here ta' play Ghostbusters with ya." Scout said.

"You are impatient, mein bat veilding friend." The doctor said.

"What _is_ that darn thing, sawbones? Is it even going ta' work?"

The doctor laughed. "I have no idea!" He flicked the switch and a red stream shot out of it, aimed at Heavy. The injuries suddenly began to heal at once and Heavy began to breathe again.

"Wonder what'd happen if ya crossed da streams." Scout muttered.

Heavy's eyes opened and he began to talk again. "I feel…empty."

"Lightheaded? Ah yes, you lost quite a bit of blood." The doctor said, glancing at the blood on the floor. There was suddenly a loud knocking at the door and angry voices. "I have en idea." He took out a tray holding surgical tools and dumped out the tools, smacking the tray against his head to knock Heavy out. "Ve vill vheel ze patient through ze door. Do not pay attention to ze people chasing us. Do you have vehicle?"

"Yeah, we got Sniper's van but-" Engineer started.

"Very good. Ve vill put patient in back of van and drive away fast as possible."

"I'm sorry, doc, but…what?"

"If you vant patient to live, you vill follow ze instructions."

Scout shrugged. "What've we got ta lose?" Engineer and Scout got ready to push the operating table.

"Hey, Demo, put tha' darn alcohol down and help us out." Demo grumbled but also got ready.

The doors were suddenly kicked open and people started pointing handguns at them, telling them to freeze. Medic, at that moment, said, "_Raus_! _Raus_!" The Team hesitated at that moment. "Zat means go! Go!" They nodded and pushed the table forward. It slammed into a few people and bullets started whizzing their way.

"Gah! Dammit!" Scout said, feeling a bullet go into his arm.

"Don't be such a baby. Move!" The doctor said, not skipping a step.

"_Deutsch_-bag." Scout muttered.

They moved the table, doctors and patients dodging to get out of their way. It was only until they got into the elevator did they relax. "Okay, doc. You owe us an explanation." Engineer said, trying to catch his breath.

"I vill tell you when we get to safe house." The doctor pointed his healing gun at Scout's arm and it was immediately healed, the tissue pushing the bullet out of the hole as well.

"Not bad doc." Scout said, examining his arm.

"Call me Medic." The doctor said, an almost mad look on his face.

-pagebreak-

"Why were you here?" Spy asked the prisoner, who was sitting in a chair casually. Pyro was beside him, helping with the interrogation and Sniper was outside on watch.

"Why the hell should I tell you that? Just kill me already."

"We're not going to kill you…yet. Now answer ze question or you will not be happy camper."

"Go to hell."

"Pyro?" Spy said, taking a step back to allow Pyro to approach the man. Pyro flicked a switch on his flamethrower and sent a stream of fire onto the prisoner's arm. The prisoner began to swear and try to pat the fire out.

"Gah! It's burning me! Put it out! Please!"

"Answer ze question." Spy said, watching the prisoner's flesh start to blacken.

"Fine! Fine! Just put it out!"

"Mhhht whhhhz ehhhzzzhhhy." Pyro said, shooting air out of his flamethrower to put out the fire.

The prisoner rubbed his arm, trying to relieve himself of some of the pain. "We were paid to come here."

"By who?"

"I-I don't know!"

'You're lying. Pyro?" Spy turned to Pyro again but the prisoner stopped them.

"Wait! I was only half lying. Look, some guy came to us, guess he was a messenger or something, gave us each a shitload of money, and told us that someone important wanted us to do a job. So we took it, were given instructions, at that was that!"

Spy studied his face and, satisfied, nodded at Pyro to point the flamethrower away from the prisoner. "Why didn't you kill Engineer? In fact, why didn't you kill all of us while you still had ze chance?"

"We hoped to break ranks. You know, take you down one at a time. Besides, we didn't expect you to be maniacs!" The prisoner glared at Pyro.

"Are you lying to me?"

"Uh…okay! We weren't ordered to kill you, but I didn't expect you to kill us too! And to go burn the whole fuckin' place down to do it!"

"My bad. Now how many people were in your 'team'?"

"Ten, including me."

Spy left the room and went into another to check out the burned and bloodied bodies they had recovered. He only counted eight. He came back to the room and whispered to Pyro. "Zere are only eight bodies and one prisoner. I'm going to check around for ze other body, you keep an eye on ze prisoner." Pyro nodded.

"I'm not deaf, you know." The prisoner said, and then thought for a second. "Wait a second: did you find a body with a helmet on his head?"

"I'm supposed to be asking ze questions. Why do you ask?"

"Because he's the craziest sonuvabitch on my team."

Spy glanced over at Pyro, turned invisible and left the room.

-pagebreak-

"Don't move, maggot!"

Sniper froze in place, his sniper rifle still aimed outside the window he had been watching. "Give me a reason not ta'."

"These grenades aren't just for decoration, Bulbo Buttons!"

"What?"

"No…Basbo Bibbins! Barble Bapkins! Balbo Bravins! Balbo Biggins!" The man shouted, trying to think of the name.

"Bilbo Baggins?"

"Shut your trap, private! I was going to say that. Now where was I…?"

Sniper sighed. "Do ya even know what yer doing?"

"Ah, yes! Don't move or this grenade will blast your ass so far through your head it'll stain the moon cherry pie red with your blood!"

At that moment, Sniper spun around and aimed a punch at the man behind him. His fist slammed into a metal helmet the man was wearing. Sniper jumped back, holding his fist to try and hold in the pain but got a good look at the man. The helmet on his head was covering half of his face so that it looked like he couldn't even see out of it. He had a strap across his chest that had three grenades on it. In his hands he had a shovel and a shotgun across his shoulder. A rocket launcher was on his back.

"Bad move, maggot!" Holding the shovel in one hand, with his other he quickly took one of his grenades and pulled the pin off with his teeth. He tossed it Sniper's way but Sniper, expecting it, dodged it. The grenade flew out the window and exploded on the way down. The man glanced at Sniper. "Okay, Plan B then!" He took the shovel and swung it at Sniper. Sniper dodged it and took out his kukri. There was suddenly a noise behind the man and he swung the shovel that direction, right into Spy. Spy reappeared, holding his face from the pain. "Gotcha, crouton!"

"What's going on here?" The three men turned to see Miss Pauling. The intruder pointed his shotgun at her.

"Don't move or the lady-" Miss Pauling stepped back, pulled out a revolver, and aimed it at the man's head. Sniper and Spy follow suit, pulling out their respective guns. "Huh. This doesn't work out, does it?" Then he pulled out his rocket launcher and aimed it at the ground. He laughed. "If you know what's good for ya, you will run!" The man jumped and shot the rocket launcher at the ground, shooting him forward. That window, however, wasn't big enough for his body to fly through as he wanted. His head slammed against the top of the window, his helmet saving his life but he fell unconscious.

Spy nudged the body with his foot. "'Craziest sonuvabitch'? Zis is agreeable." Spy said, and then turned to Miss Pauling. "What are you doing here?"

"I heard that the place caught on fire and the second floor collapsed into the next and came to help. But I think the Announcer will want to talk to this man."

"Tha' Announcer? That woman who keeps screaming at us?"

"Uh…I guess you could call her that." Miss Pauling looked nervous so she changed the subject. "Help me with the body to my car." Spy left to continue interrogating the prisoner or perhaps kill him, so Sniper helped Miss Pauling. While they did this, Miss Pauling asked, "By the way, isn't your license plate #1SNIPAH?"

"Yeah, mate. Why d'ya ask?"

"'Cause it might not come here in one piece."

-pagebreak-

"Take a right! Take a right!" Scout screamed at the driving Engineer, who looked panic stricken as he did this. Two more police cars hiding behind a billboard at that right followed the stream of others behind Sniper's van. "Are ya sure ya know what you're doing?"

"It was either the crazed doctor who doesn't even have a medical license, the kid who can barely read a clock…"

"I _can_ read a clock."

"…the drunken half-blind man, or me! You decide, buddy!"

"Yeah, well here's a schematic for ya, overalls: My ass!"

"Vill you shut up?" Medic said. "Ve have twelve police cars behind us and you're yelling at each ozer? Get us to ze safe house!"

Scout grumbled, looking ready to say something, but shut up. Suddenly he looked up and said, "Look out, moron!" Engineer had been looking behind him at the time and just pressed the gas pedal in time to avoid them from crashing into their building. Scout, however, not wearing his seatbelt, flew out the windshield and slammed into the building. "Shit! I-I'm okay. My leg's supposed 'da bend like this."

The police cars stopped and the officers got out. "Put your hands in the air!" They had no choice but to, Scout only able to raise one arm.

"Wait!" Miss Pauling suddenly said, running out of the building. The head of the intruder she had been carrying slammed into the ground. She ran up to the officers and started to speak to them in hushed voices. They nodded and left.

"Sorry to disturb you all. Have a good day." One officer said and led the way for the others away from the building.

"Strange." Spy said, now appearing. Pyro was behind him, Spy's lighter in their hands and watching the flame dance as if it was precious. "Keep zem busy. I have to have one last chat with our little friend."

-pagebreak-

The Team sat outside the building while construction workers tried to work on the repairs of the building. They had slept outside, getting so drunk on Demoman's scrumpy that they started to sing nonsense along with the also drunk Engineer's bad guitar music. They all woke up with hangovers, the loud construction not helping whatsoever. As you might as well have known, this did not include Pyro who could still not drink with the mask on.

Soon, enough Miss Pauling was there along with the crazy "sonuvabitch" from yesterday, Medic and the now healed Heavy. The former, seeing The Team was obviously not in peak condition, grabbed a trumpet from his bag and blew a tune on it. The Team groaned and covered their ears.

"Turn that racket off, ye crazy bastard!" Demoman shouted at him and threw his scrumpy bottle at him. The man dodged it with ease.

"Its patriot music, you skit-twirling drunk! Respect it or I'll kick you out of this beautiful country so fast you'll see out of both eyes!"

"Don't ye mean 'e'll go blind in both eyes, mate?" Sniper suggested.

Demoman ignored it and went up to him. "Why ye little…" Demoman and the man were at each other's throats and they had only met for about two minutes.

"Calm down!" Miss Pauling said loudly and The Team groaned again. "The Announcer has decided to make these two part of The Team."

"What!" The whole team said almost at once.

"Objection!" Scout said, pointing to no place in particular.

Sniper was the first to disapprove. "'E tried to kill me! Ya expect me ta go and shake 'is 'hand?"

"He would have killed you too, _mademoiselle_." Spy commented.

"It's not my decision to make. It's your paycheck." Miss Pauling responded.

The Team grumbled and was silent before, of course, Scout spoke up. "Medic dere is crazy, man! Da police were chasing him an' everythin'!"

"I am here, yes?" Medic muttered.

"But he healed Heavy and would make an excellent addition to The Team, with you getting injured all the time."

"I love this doctor!" Heavy agreed.

"Whatever. Can't argue with da fat man." Scout said.

"To continue on today's events, you'll be doing the simulation again." Miss Pauling said.

"Not that I'm disagreein', Miss, but do we really need to go do that again?" Engineer spoke up. "I've got me another machine I'm workin' on."

"Um, I suppose you can, but…wait, let me check." She walked away with a cell phone in her hand. It was only a minute until she came back. "You can introduce Medic and Soldier-"

"Soldier?" Scout said.

"That's what he refers to be called. So-"

"I'm still gonna call him 'Crazy Sonuvabitch."

"Great, now-"

"I heard that, private!" Soldier called.

"Shut up!" Miss Pauling yelled. They groaned again. "Take them on a tour of the building and send a message about their weapons, tactics, etc. You can go practice out in the Training Room on the bottom floor or out in the courtyard. Just don't try to kill the workers."

They groaned in disappointment this time, but walked into the building. Scout kicked a rock and said, "You're no fun anymore."

-pagebreak-

"Without a base we are _nothing_, maggots! The greatest fighters had bases, that's why you build a fort made of snow when you go snowballing!" Soldier yelled up to the workers, who were desperately trying to ignore him and work. He noticed this. "Listen to me, private!" Still nothing. He took out his rocket launcher and fired one at them. One worker exploded into bits of guts and blood and rained on Soldier. "Now listen to me!" They snapped up to attention. "That's more like it! I'd like this base to be completed in _three _hours or less or you'll all be raining down on my head, you _maggots_!" He wiped a blood spot off his helmet and, satisfied, picked up the worker's head and walked away.

Meanwhile, Medic had set up his quarters in the armory. Heavy watched him as he set up the room, eating one of his many sandviches. Medic walked around hastily, talking to himself.

"Ve must put dis here, and…" He suddenly stopped and looked around, worried. "Archimedes? Archimedes?"

Heavy burped and there was a bit of bird cooing in it. Medic went up to him and got out a stethoscope and put it to Heavy's heart. There was some heart beats, but he moved it a little to the left and heard the cooing in it. "Gah! Archimedes! I am prepared to do vatever it takes to get you out!"

"What happened, doctor?"

"Archimedes! My dove! There is only one zing I can do…" He got out a bone saw and went over to Heavy. "Time for your checkup!"

Archimedes cooed again.

-pagebreak-

Miss Pauling examined the building that was only three hours ago in ruins. It was now at a perfect state. She walked over to a blood spot and parts of a body. There was also a helmet of one of the workers. She sighed and went inside the building, heading towards the training room at the bottom floor. Unfortunately on her part, she passed by Scout on the first floor.

"So dat's a yes for da date, right?" She walked faster, but Scout trailed behind. "C'mon, man, do I really smell dat bad?" He stopped to sniff his armpits and wrinkled his nose, pulling it away. "Maybe you're right. But hey, it's not my fault! Only one shower in dis damn place!" He called out to her as she went downstairs and then muttered, "Damn economy."

On the next floor, she heard laughter and other noises coming from the storage room. The oddest was a cooing of a dove. She opened the door and found Medic with a bone saw in his hand standing over an opened up Heavy. The latter's bones and intestines were showing and Miss Pauling, horrified, immediately closed the door but not before seeing a bird head poke out near Heavy's heart. She also heard, walking away, "Archimedes! Get out of zere! I vas vorried sick! It's filzhy in zere!"

On the training room floor she found Soldier, using his rocket launcher to explode the cardboard targets that popped up in the back, shotgun for medium range, and shovel for the closest targets. Cardboard pieces were scattered all around the ground. She went up to Soldier and was about to tap his shoulder when he suddenly spun around, swinging the shovel her way. If she had bad reflexes she would have been hit.

"You! Maggot! What're you doing here? This is no place for ladies! Go back to the kitchen or whatever you were doing before!" He said, turning back to the targets.

She ignored his comment. "Can you get The Team gathered together?"

He turned back. "Rally the troops? We going out to war?"

"Something like that."

"Perfect! These worms need to get off their asses and go into good old fashioned war! Just the way I like it!" He pulled out his trumpet and ran off, blowing off a tune mixed with his yelling.

Miss Pauling turned to one of the targets in the far back still up. She pulled out her revolver and fired a shot at its head, landing exactly in-between where its eyes would have been. Satisfied, she put it away and went upstairs. By the time she was upstairs, Soldier had already "rallied the troops" to the courtyard outside. He was standing in front of them like he was their general.

"Atten-_shun_!" He said. They just stood around, glancing around and such. "I said _attention_, you _maggots_!" He yelled at their faces. They just gave him a look.

"That'll do, Soldier." Miss Pauling said, coming outside. Soldier glared at The Team the best he could with the helmet covering his eyes, grumbling how that they needed training. "Okay, I have the first mission for you-"

"Do we get to kill something yet?" Scout said. "I'm getting' kinda bored here."

"Well, yes." She handed Engineer at the far left a picture, which passed it along to his left.

"Hey this fella looks kinda familiar." Engineer said, studying it.

"Trust me, you won't know him." She reassured. "Your job is to assassinate him."

"You could a' just asked me ta' to that." Sniper said.

"Don't try to. There are other snipers covering the whole area, all searching for someone like you to peek their head out. As for the others, do anything suspicious and you'll be dead. Agents are everywhere. We want to see what you do to kill him. He's having a speech tomorrow at three. Good luck!" Then, without another word, she was gone.

"You gotta be kiddin' me. I can't go and assassinate someone. Dat's dime-a-dozen heartless scumbags like you's job." Scout said to Sniper and Spy. "No offense."

"None taken." They said at the same time.

"Me bombs can get tha job done, lads. They're goin' to have to bury what's left of him in a soup can!"Demoman suggested.

"_Oui_, but zere are indefinitely civilians zere." Spy said.

"Never kill a civilian! Unless perfectly necessary!" Soldier agreed. Sort of.

"Mhhhhh Mppphhv mmmha mhhhhan!" Pyro said.

Engineer translated for everyone. "He says he has a plan."

"Well ye better write it out, mate. We can't hear a word ye say." Sniper said.

Pyro went back inside the building and disappeared for a few minutes. When he came back, he had a piece of notebook paper full of almost unreadable scrawl. They studied it for almost thirty minutes trying to decipher it.

"Ah! It's perfect! Good work, soldier!"

"I do not have many roles. My skill is _vasted_ on zis team!" Medic said, the only one hearing him being Heavy.

"C'mon, man! My role sucks! I can't go listen to his whole friggin' speech!"

"You need to learn patience, boy." Spy said.

"Alright soldiers! Move out!" Soldier commanded, pointing away.

"The speech is tomorrow." Sniper said.

"Well then, move out tomorrow!"

-pagebreak-

The typical wakeup call for soldiers started to play outside on Soldier's trumpet at four o'clock in the morning, followed by his yelling. "Get up, maggots! You no good lazy sons of bitches can't lay there all day! We have a war!" He blew the wakeup call again.

Uproar started to happen around the base. "Go back to sleep, Soldier! It's four in the mornin', for Pete's sake!" Engineer said from the garage.

"Mphhh! Mphhh Mhhhh Mhhvv Mpphhhh!" Pyro yelled from his room.

"You are all weak! You are all bleeders! Get up!" Soldier yelled back.

"Soldier? Da hell are you doin', man! I'm tryin' ta get some sleep here!" Scout yelled.

"Sleep? You, private, down and give me twenty!"

"Fuck you, man!" Scout said back.

Heavy spoke up. "You woke Sasha! I will rip you apart, little little man!"

"_Dummkopf_!" Medic yelled, having heard the commotion.

"You sluggish simpleton! Get some sleep!" Spy yelled, also annoyed by both Soldier and all the yelling.

"You are the sorriest excuse for soldiers I have ever seen! You are all dishonorably discharged!" Demoman's scrumpy bottle flew out of a window at Soldier, and then a jar of Jarate. They both exploded on him. "Maggots!"

-pagebreak-

Spy

There were six guards in all crowded around their target. Two were flanking him, the rest following in a line behind as he got out of the limousine. As soon as the paparazzi were gone and they were in a place not easily seen spot, Spy reappeared and put his hand over the guard in the back and stabbed him in the back. The guard fell to a silent death and Spy immediately disguised as him, blending in with the others. The others didn't even seem to notice the fall of their comrade.

Spy glanced behind to see Pyro drag off the body to burn it to make sure there was no evidence of the guard's death so the panic wouldn't start early. Spy looked forward and made sure he was in position. For a few minutes he actually did listen to the man's speech, intrigued by the very first sentence.

Sniper

For a few minutes, Sniper was standing in the next building over, waiting. But he and his sniper rifle were ready when Spy gave the signal. The signal had not been discussed, but Sniper knew it as soon as he saw it: Spy inconspicuously flicked him off. French bastard.

He swung his sniper rifle around, took a millisecond to aim for the head, and pulled the trigger. They landed into one of the guard's heads, instantly killing him. He felt bullets sink into him almost at once, but Medic was there to heal his injuries with his "Medigun" at once. Panic was almost immediate.

Scout

"Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada." Was what Scout heard. He fidgeted, trying to find something to do instead of listening to the moron upstage talk. One of the guards gave him a look, and he stopped. Didn't want to be suspected as a criminal and shot. Sure, it had happened to him before, but it didn't change how much they hurt. He tapped his fingers on his shorts to keep his mind busy, trying to focus on something. He found a woman in the crowd that kept his attention for awhile but snapped into action as soon as he heard the gunshot.

As he mixed in with the crowd, moving around and screaming, he told Sniper where the other snipers were located into his earpiece. There were many more gunshots and the orange light of Pyro's flamethrower burning the bodies. So far so good. But hey, they didn't get luck like that.

Soldier

He had been talking to his shovel when their target had arrived. It wasn't his fault, it got lonely and it listened. But as soon as he was ready to do his role, five pistols were aimed at him. One of them was French bread, or "Spy", who must've looted the guard's body he had killed for the gun.

"Mag-Mister Johnson!" Soldier said, trying not to fail at blending in. They had managed to get their target's name from the photo. "There was a sniper in the north building! I was dispatched here as soon as we heard what happened, sir!" Calling someone else sir almost made him want to puke.

"That was awfully quick." Johnson said, suspicious. "But who knows how you army folk work. Come along, soldier!"

"Sir, he could be someone in disguise. I don't feel its safe bringing him along." One of the guards remarked.

"Good choice, maggot!" Soldier said and shot the guard's head off with his shotgun.

Johnson suddenly had Spy's knife to his throat and all of his guards had been silently killed. Their target swore. "You're the ones trying to kill me?" He glanced over at Spy. "Nice suit."

"Zank you."

"Well, move out of the way, private! Let's kill this sorry bastard and move on!" Soldier said, shotgun ready.

"I feel Sniper's decision with ze ozer prisoner was right. Let's question this prisoner before we kill him." Spy said.

"Prisoner of war? I like it!"

"I don't."

Scout suddenly appeared out of nowhere. His scattergun was in his hands. "Hey guys, no mean to ruin your parade but I got like fifty guards followin' me. See ya!" He took off. Spy and Soldier glanced at each other and ran, taking the prisoner with them.

Engineer

Engineer sat in the parking lot in Sniper's van, waiting for the last of the others to run in. If the plan went as expected, they would arrive here mixed in with the crowd and he would drive away. Demoman was already in the back, grenade launcher ready, in case they were being followed. Sniper, Medic, and Pyro were already here.

Something caught his eye and Engineer looked in the rear view mirror. There were many running figures coming toward the van. First there were the civilians but then came the rest of The Team. Just as Engineer had expected, many guards were following them, firing their guns at them. Engineer tapped Demoman on the shoulder to signal the use of his grenade launcher. The Scottish man opened the van doors and fired four grenades that rolled to the feet of the guards.

They exploded at the feet of the guards, causing them to dash away and take cover to avoid being blown into bits. The Team scrambled into the empty back of the van while Engineer took the steering wheel and drove away. Demoman closed the van doors, but not before saying, "Kaboom!"

Engineer had hoped to lose the guards after they had been startled, but they all got into their cars and there began another chase. Why couldn't he just stay home and tend to his machines? He heard Scout fire off his pistol extremely fast, aiming for the tires of the chasing cars. Two were managed to be taken out, but there were many still following.

"What's with all the cars, fellas?" Engineer asked, trying his best to focus on the road.

"Crouton here decided to take a prisoner of war!" Soldier announced.

Scout only now noticed their target was in the van with them. "What da hell, man? I'm not goin' to risk my life for dis guy!" He took out his pistol. "Dis should stop 'em!"

"No, you idiot!" Spy objected, but it was too late. Scout fired a bullet and it killed their target. He then threw the van doors open and tossed the body out. It rolled a bit before the guard's cars stopped and picked up the body. By the time they did this, the van had disappeared.

"C'mon man, now they can't find us!" Scout said, trying to keep away from Spy's knife that was now out.

"Listen, _boy_. One: zey have our license plate."

"Shit."

"And two: zat was one of ze last two candidates to be ze President of ze United States."

(Note: My steam account is left4right52: I play TF2 almost everyday)


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter four

"How 'bout dis one? It says, "PNCHBUG". Get it; cause it's a beetle?" Scout suggested. Scout, Spy, and Sniper were out stealing a license plate to replace the one on Sniper's van.

"Zat doesn't even make sense on ze _van_." Spy said.

"She's not just 'the van', mate." Sniper muttered.

Scout gave him a smirk. "'She'? What is it, your girlfriend? Sorry, that's a kangaroo, right?" He laughed. "Cold heartless killer my ass."

"Focus." Spy said and glanced over to a car. "Pick zat one. It es inconspicuous."

"S2H4GVC9…I don't even tha' guy could remember that to report it." Sniper took out his kukri and started to slowly take the plate off the best he could with it but it took awhile; he was trying to be quiet and not damage it.

Spy started to talk to Scout. "So you don't even care in ze slightest zat you killed a possible president?"

"What's it gonna do? Change the whole country? Cause a war?"

"It might."

"Ooooh! Scary! Not anything I can't handle."

"Ze Team is more zan you, _boy_. We are mercenaries. We may be tools zat can change ze world. For better or for worse. And I will find out." Spy glanced over to Scout, who was staring at the sun. "Scout!"

"Huh? Wow, thanks a lot moron! I got 10 seconds on dat!"

"You'll go blind before Demoman does." Spy muttered.

Scout didn't hear him. "Hey, wanna see how far I can throw dis?" He had a baseball in his hand.

"No, _focus_."

He threw it anyway. It soared through the air, across the parking lot, and hit the head of a passerby. They collapsed, right in front of a camera and a guard patrolling the area. "Hey!" They yelled and ran at them. Sniper swore and tore off the license plate.

"Shit!" Scout got up and, instead of running away, ran straight for the guard. They thought he would knock him out, but he instead picked up his baseball and ran back to them. They gave him a look. "What? You think baseballs just magically _recharge_?" Then they all took off.

-pagebreak-

Meanwhile, back at the base, Miss Pauling had arrived. But instead of the normally open door, it was locked shut and bolted. After making sure there were no sticky bombs, she loudly knocked on it. Then, sensing danger, she ducked. It was in the nick of time, two shotgun shells flying over her head in loud blasts that almost deafened her. They came from a small window that had just opened in the door. She backed away, not wanting anything else to happen.

Soldier's voice came from behind the door. "Say friend, how about moving closer to the door?" She didn't move a muscle. "Thaats it, don't be scared. I just want to-Huttah! Neck snap!" His hands came out of the window and he made the motion. His hands went limp, realizing no one was there. "Alright, you can come in." He swung the door open, leveling his shotgun at her head. "Who are you? Are you the pizza deliverer? It's been five years and you said thirty minutes _or less_, maggot!"

"You don't recognize me? We met at least twice already."

Soldier thought for a second. "Are you from The Rib Place? No, the tomato soup wholesaler! No…the milkman!" He was actually thinking hard.

She walked by him, seeing as this would take awhile if she lingered. She entered the courtyard where the rest of The Team was. All except for Sniper, Scout, and Spy, who were running for their lives at the moment. She glanced around. "Where are the others?"

"Mhhhht mhhhhhttg mmmmhichhhnce mmmhatte." Pyro tried to explain.

"Out gettin' a license plate." Engineer translated. "To replace the one that the FBI might be trackin' right now."

"How do you understand what Pyro's saying?"

"Ma'am, I've had a whole family of mumblers. I'm used to it."

"Okay then. How did the mission go? Did you kill Johnson?"

Engineer was about to answer but then hesitated. Spy had given a speech about not trusting anyone outside of the team. Of course, he had been the only one who had listened. He told her only what she wanted to hear and possibly what might've appeared in the news.

She nodded. "Okay, then. Sounds good to me. So-" She was stopped by a ring going off on her phone. "Who could be…" Checking the screen, she saw an unknown number but picked it up anyway. "Hello? Scout? How'd you get this number?" Engineer and Pyro leaned in to listen to the conversation.

"…got da plate and all, but den a bunch of security guards came out of nowhere and dey had _tazers_! Dey _tazed_ us! Well, actually, I was too fast for 'em and Spy went and disappeared to do spy stuff or somethin' so dey only tazed Sniper but now dey towed your car we borrowed-"

"You let them take my car!"

"Not my fault!"

"It _was_ your fault!"

"Yeah, you got a point. But anyway we don't have a car and can't get back to da base. Can you get a rental car or somethin' and pick us up?"

Miss Pauling hung up. Engineer gave her a look. "They can get out themselves." She said, dismissing the subject. "But before they get here, here's your next mission. Last night, we had files stolen from our database. We don't know how, but we need to get that information back." She handed them a piece of paper with a picture of a building and a map under it. "We have speculation that this is where it was stolen." She also handed them a suitcase. "This should hold the papers."

"But how'll we know which papers are which?"

"Just take them all." She walked away again but stopped midway. "And don't leave any witnesses!" She called.

Soldier was still deep in thought and went over to her as she passed by. "Oh! I got it! You're the person that delivers the mail every Sunday!"

She gave him a look, sighed and left.

-pagebreak-

"Yeah, thanks to dat Miss Pauling we had to hitchhike our way home! Den da car we rode in got pulled over and da police started chasin' him and we started goin' in dis car chase. You know, we're in so many damn car chases it's like a bad movie. But if dis is a movie I want a hot girlfriend." Scout said. The Team had assembled in the courtyard to discuss a plan for the mission, but of course Scout had to change the subject.

"Shut up, Scout." Spy said.

"Yer just jealous you ain't got a chic of yer own."

"You don't eizer!

"Just because yer French doesn't mean you have da right ta be a dick."

"Just because you're American doesn't mean you have ze right to be an idiot."

"Touché, douché."

Engineer spoke up. "Don't mean to interrupt, but can we think of a plan?"

"_Oui_, if some people," he glared at Scout. "Didn't change ze subject."

"Well, sor-rre!" Scout said, holding up his hands trying to be innocent.

"Pyro, do you have any ideas?"

Pyro handed him a paper. Instead of writing, it had very crude drawings of supposedly Pyro going around his flamethrower burning people in the building. "Mpphs Mhhius!"

"Yes, genius. Anyone else?" There was silence. "First of all, we most likely have to hack into a computer to get ze files. Can anyone hack into a computer?"

Engineer and Scout, surprisingly, raised their hands.

"Son, you can hack into a computer?" Engineer asked him.

"Well, does it involve math?"

"Well, yes."

"Then no. But I can smash the computer with my baseball bat!" He said, taking it out.

"And I will crush tiny men!" Heavy said.

"Übercharge!" Medic suggested.

"Übercharge? What is zat?" Spy asked.

"On ze count of drei,"

"Huh?" Scout asked.

"_Zree_,"

"_English_."

"I am speaking English! One, two, zree!"

"You could've said that before."

"On ze count of zree, you vill shoot Heavy."

The Team exchanged looks. "Why not?" Engineer said, shrugging and got out his shotgun.

"Eins, zwei," Sniper's crosshairs were now on Heavy's head and the rifle was fully charged. Sticky bombs were all around Heavy's feet . The rest had their respective guns aimed at them. "Drei!" At this moment, Heavy and Medic became enveloped in a strange light that turned his eyes white. Everything exploded all around them, but each bullet bounced off. The sticky bombs detonated and the pair flew into the air from the force of the blast, but nothing less. The light faded away and Medic bowed.

"Dat's some cool shit right dere." Scout said.

"Übercharge!" Medic said proudly.

"Not bad." Spy said. "I have an idea."

-pagebreak-

"Hey Spy! Yo, Spy; wake up ya lazy bum!" Scout yelled in Spy's ear.

Though the shouting almost made him fall off the chair he was sleeping in, Spy was immediately awake and had a revolver pointed at Scout. He lowered it once he recognized him. "Scout! What is it?"

"Dude, you really need ta get some sleep."

"I just have…zings to do at night."

"Whatever. Hey, you know Pyro?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"And ya know dat he/she/it wears dat mask right?"

"Where are you going with zis?"

"Okay, I have an idea. You go sneak up on Pyro, see what his face looks like, and come back. What've you got to lose?"

"My head, maybe? All ze skin zat was once on my not burned body, maybe?"

"Aw, c'mon! What'll it take?"

"What've you got?"

Scout fished through his pockets. "I'll give you this one dollar bill and…" he pulled out a piece of chewing gum. "A piece of gum."

Spy considered it. "Deal." He said and turned invisible. Scout had to wait five minutes for him to return and for a second thought he was dead.

"So what was under da mask? A dude? A chic? A robot? No, or is he like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat and whenever he takes his mask of it's a skull and he breathes fire or whatever at you? Oh, dat would make perfect sense and be so badass!" Scout looked at Spy, who looked like he had seen a ghost. And he might've. He waved his hand in front of Spy's face. "Hello? Yo, you're brain workin' or what?"

"I-I have to go."

"Huh? Why don't you tell me?"

"I'm not quite sure what I saw there." Without another word, Spy left.

"Bet it _was_ Scorpion."

-pagebreak-

"Yeah I'm looking for a Mike Rotch, could you find him for me?" Scout said into the phone.

"Sure, no problem." There was silence for a second before it was heard. "I'm looking for Mike Rotch! Can anyone find Mike Rotch!" Scout gave him more details. "Okay, Mike Rotch is very small, pathetic looking and hairy! Can anyone find Mike Rotch?"

Scout couldn't hold it in anymore started to laugh, and the person on the other end heard it. "Hey! You're that damn prank calling kid aren't you? I told you, I was going to hunt you down the next time you called!"

"You don't have ta! I'm right here!" The phone hung up and two eggs hit the window of the person he had called. They came to the window and opened it.

"What the hell is wrong with you, kid? I'm going to kill you and-" They fell silent as a gunshot went off and their body fell to the ground. A shot directly in the head. The body fell from the window and it tumbled to the ground. Scout picked up the body and dragged it away, where he met Pyro and Spy.

Spy disguised as the man and Pyro burned the evidence of the kill. Scout double jumped into the open window after three unsuccessful attempts. There he found a few pieces of paperwork and snatched all of them. When he had escaped through the window, he yelled out, "I got it! I got it!" He took it to the car and ran back.

Spy opened the door with a keycard that was on the person's body. The heavy duty door of the building slid open and he entered. No one appeared to hear the gunshot so it was easy to intervene between the people without any suspicion. He navigated through different rooms until he found a room full of computers. He shut the door and assassinated anyone still at a computer. Engineer, who had been wearing Spy's invisibility watch, reappeared next to him.

"This is gonna be more difficult than I thought." Engineer said, surveying them.

"Might as well start zen." Spy said, boarding up the door with chairs. "We don't have much time."

Panic had started outside the room, people banging on the door trying to get in. Spy had to put all of his body weight into the door to keep it closed. Sniper, seeing from a window through his scope, noticed the panic. He shot the ground near Scout's feet.

"Plan B." Scout said into the microphone. "Plus, can we go out for pizza after dis? I'm kinda hungry." Scout then went and fired his scattergun in the air. The sound was loud enough for people inside to notice and they started to come running out. The ones that did had handguns with them, that is.

But then seemingly out of nowhere came Heavy and Medic. A gigantic man with a minigun would be frightening enough, but then the Übercharge activated. Their bullets bounced off. Heavy's minigun, revved up and ready to go, fired at the people. They fell almost at once and those who didn't ran away. But Pyro and Scout stopped them.

"Cry some more!" Heavy said while firing and then laughed. The Team then charged inside, except for Sniper, and started killing everyone in sight. When they reached the computer room, they almost killed their teammates as well.

"Hurry up! Da police might be here soon!" Scout said to Engineer.

"I've only got through two computers done with! We don't have enough time!"

"Zen to plan C. Demoman!" Spy said, and Demoman turned around. "Destroy all evidence of zis building!"

"Lad, I like tha sound of that!" He said and took off with his sticky bomb launcher ready.

"What're you doin'?" Engineer asked Spy.

"If we cannot recover ze intel, we will destroy it. Now everyone else, get to ze car! Like Scout said, ze police will be here soon."

"Damn right they will." Scout muttered, and The Team hurried there. All except for Spy. He went on one of the already hacked computers and printed some files Engineer had overlooked. The police were there by the time they finally printed, but he scooped them up, put them in his suit, and disappeared.

Once Spy was in, the car sped away, Soldier at the wheel this time. The car being a rental one borrowed from Miss Pauling again. Amazingly, the whole team could fit. "Mission accomplished soldiers!" Soldier said. The Team cheered and Demoman detonated the sticky bombs. A beautiful explosion lit up the sky. They cheered more.

"What is this, a Michael Bay movie?" Scout commented as the car sped away.

-pagebreak-

Spy glanced at the intel he had obtained in the car, but Scout, of course, noticed.

He snatched them from Spy. "Hey what'cha got here? Is it-" Scout stopped. "Is dat…Is dat my mom?"

Sniper took the photos. "Hey! Lookie here, mates! Spy is fuckin' Scout's mom!"

"What?" The Team said and scrambled to look at it. They started laughing and Spy was desperately trying to get the photos back.

Scout had a death glare aimed at Spy. "You…you….I'll kill you! I'll kill you, you motherfucker!" The other team members had to hold him back.

"That is exactly vat he is, Scout." Medic said, trying to hold in his laughs.

Scout glared at Spy the rest of the way back. Miss Pauling was waiting for The Team back at the base. "You have the intel?" She asked them as they got out of the car. Scout tossed her the suitcase and walked away, skulking. "What's his problem?"

"Tha' 'intel' Spy picked up." Sniper said and handed her the photos, still chuckling to himself.

"Oh. _That_ was what they hacked into our computer to get?" Miss Pauling said, and put them in the suitcase, hoping to never see them again.

"I hope not." Sniper said with a smile on his face.

Suddenly they heard Soldier start yelling at Scout. "You call that a jump, maggot? I'll show you a _real _jump: a rocket jump!" He aimed his rocket launcher at the ground.

"Wait Soldier no!" Miss Pauling said, seeing that Soldier was standing near the rental car.

It was too late. He jumped into the air and shot two rockets, sending him flying into the air. The first rocket merely rocked the car but the other hit the engine and it exploded as well, sending Soldier even higher. He was flying higher than the base. "Screaming Eagles!" He yelled out.

"Don't look down, moron!" Scout yelled to him.

Medic seeing Soldier, said, "He is more stupid zen I zought. I'm not even going to heal the dummkopf." He walked into the building just as the ground met Soldier's feet. Correction: almost met Soldier's feet. He shot another rocket that made him soar again and safely land on the ground.

He saluted Medic, or at least it looked like a salute. It was actually an L on his forehead. "Maggots!" He said.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter five

"Gentlemen." Spy said, walking into the courtyard. A manila folder was hooked in the crook of his arm. "I believe I have some information zat you may like to see."

"Is it more pics of Scout's mom and you?" Sniper asked, a smile on his face. The others chuckled. Scout glared at Spy.

"No, _you little bastards_," he muttered those words under his breath. "I have information pertaining to us; ze Team." He opened the folder. "I have been gazering information every night now. But now I have some answers." He glanced inside and held a paper up. "Zis paper-"

"Tha blank paper, mate?" Sniper asked.

"Blank paper?" Spy looked at the paper. "Et can't be!" He turned it over. "What is going on?"

"So you got us here for nothin'? Yeah, you're the smart one alright." Scout said.

"Zese papers were full of intel; pictures, notes, printed information! How are zey gone? Did one of you…" He stopped. "Very well zen. I will have to find out on my own. But I will find out."

"Like you were goin' ta 'find out' this information?"

Spy was silent and walked into the base. He kept turning over the papers until he reached a trash can. He was about to throw the papers in, but glanced over at the kitchen. "Zat is it!" He went over to a fruit bowl on a counter and picked up a lemon. Someone had crudely wrote on it, "Lemon grenade". Spy crushed the fruit until the juice was running and put it on the papers. Then he grabbed his lighter and put it near the paper. Words appeared almost instantly. "Invisible ink. Smart."

He read the papers. "_Spy, this is your warning. Don't think we haven't seen you sneaking around. We have eyes everywhere, cameras or otherwise. You're information has been terminated. If we catch you again, you will be permanently removed from The Team. And something may happen to you after. Do your job, Spy, or face the consequences._" There was no signature or afterword.

"You want to play like zat? Fine. I'll play you're little game. At least for ze time being." The last sentence was in his head, where he hoped it couldn't be detected. He crumpled up the papers and threw them in the trash.

The Announcer saw him do these acts through her screens. "You're a curious one, Spy. We'll have to keep an eye on you. But you know what they say; curiosity killed the cat. No matter if he can turn invisible."

-pagebreak-

"Spah! Spah, you got a visitor!" Engineer suddenly said, running up to Spy as he exited the base.

"Visitor? Who could it-"

"And Scout's got his full attention on her." Engineer said with a smile.

"_Merde_! Not her!" Spy said and took off. He found Scout and her at the entrance of the base. The woman was dressed in an outfit similar to Spy's.

Scout was talking to her. "So…what's your name?"

"None of your business." She also had a French accent.

"Fine den, be dat way. Only tryin' ta be nice." Scout's eyes panned down.

"Eyes up here."

Scout looked back up. "Huh? Eyes?"

"Yes, eyes."

"Oh, sorry I was just uh, lookin' at what was written on your shirt."

"Zere's nothing written on my shirt."

"I was just uh, lookin' at your necklace is all."

"I'm not wearing a necklace."

"Well I was uh…"

The woman realized what he was doing and sent a kick into his balls. He fell to the ground, crying out in pain. That was when Spy approached her.

"What are you doing here?" He asked.

"What am I doing here! Why do you zink I am here?" She produced a picture from her pocket. "And who is zis?" It was the picture of Scout's mother and him.

"A friend."

"Uh huh. Is zis what you do with all of your friends?" Spy said nothing. "'Lady Killer' is what you call yourself, ha! Very funny. Well it's over zen, _Spy_. I hope we never meet again."

"Wait! I can explain!" She walked away and flicked him off. It was only then that he saw that a portion of her pinky was gone. "What happened to you?"

"Zis?" She glanced at it. "Ah, yes. I was told it was a 'warning'. Don't know who sent it zhough. Zey cut it off at night. But it will heal. But why do you care? Goodbye, Spy." She returned to her car and drove off.

"Sucks for you, moron." Scout muttered, still on the ground.

Spy didn't hear him. "Anozher warning." Some hope seemed to fall from his eyes. "I guess you're right zen. But in all games you can cheat." He disappeared.

Engineer and Demoman helped Scout get to his feet. "You really shouldn't do that when around a woman, son."

"Well I'm sorry for being a man! Besides, I thought I could go out with her because Spy did my mom."

"Not a good choice against a man with a knife. But how're you feelin'?"

"Like my balls are in my throat."

Demoman patted him on the back. "Don't worry, lad. They'll drop when you get older."

Scout glared at him.

-pagebreak-

"Archimedes! No!" Medic was chasing around the dove around the base just as Miss Pauling had entered. The bird panicked and flew right above her head, where it BM'd. She cried out and tried to get it off her head.

"You better get that bird, Medic. Before I get to it." Medic rushed away.

She approached Engineer, who was working on a new machine. He was just putting the finishing touches to it. It was very strange looking, with something that began to rotate faster and faster until a light was emanating through it.

"Alrighty, then! Soldier, is the exit in place?"

Soldier, from on top of the base, shouted down, "Affirmative, grease monkey!"

"I hope this works." Engineer said and stepped on the machine. It was rotating so fast it was like a hard surface on his feet. He suddenly disappeared and reappeared at the other light source at the top of the base. "Perfect! Nothin' like another job well done!" Engineer said with pride. "I call it a teleporter."

"But how're we going to get down, soldier?"

Engineer's smile faded. "Dammit."

"You didn't think of making another one of those to get down?"

"Didn't need ta."

Pyro appeared and Miss Pauling shoved papers into his arms. "Here, you just take the mission specifics. I'm out of here before something bad happens." Pyro nodded and started to read it. Medic appeared with Archimedes in his grip.

"Is she gone?"

"I told you to get that bird out of here!" She took her revolver out and aimed it at the bird. Medic cried out and dashed into the base, almost choking the dove in his grip. She shook her head and left.

"What's it say, Pyro?" Engineer called down from the top of the base.

"Mhhhh Mhhhs-"

"Okay, you're gonna need to either speak up or speak clearer, cause I can't hear a word."

Medic snatched it from Pyro, appearing back from the base. Archimedes was on his head. "It says to defend ze base. Enemies vill be coming soon." He yelled it loud enough for Soldier and Engineer to hear.

"Mhht?" Pyro said and glanced at it.

"I don't even have a Sentry Gun up to take 'em down!" Engineer glanced around. "Guess I'll just set one up here." He started by building a Dispenser.

Soldier rocket jumped to the ground safely. "The enemy will be approaching, maggots! Raise the sails! Man the cannons! Watch the seas! All hands on deck! Moby Dick will be approaching!"

"What're you talking about, mate?" Sniper said, hearing the commotion.

"Huh? What'd I say?"

Sniper face palmed.

-pagebreak-

There was a plan in Spy's mind when he first heard of the mission. Demoman would cover the south side of the base, Engineer the north. Heavy and Medic could defend the east and Pyro and Sniper could take the west. He and Scout could gather information and relay it back to The Team while killing enemies. Soldier would do whatever the hell he wanted.

But of course, that didn't happen. Demoman and Heavy ran straight into the enemies, almost killing themselves. Medic was running around trying to heal everyone but forgot about his "healing buddies" as he called them. Engineer couldn't cover the north because he was still stuck on the top of the damn base. Pyro was shooting a strange flare gun at the enemies from far away instead of dealing close range, which he was good at doing. Sniper got out his submachine gun and kukri and ran into battle. Scout shouted nonsense into his earpiece and hit everything in sight with his bat, much to the annoyance of everyone. Soldier talked to his shovel, which Spy supposed would be following his plan.

"I guess I have to everyzing myself." He muttered and became invisible. He walked around, trying to gather intel about his enemies. They seemed to be like the first group that had intruded on the base, hired mercenaries that didn't expect their enemies to fight back. But he had to talk to one of them. They may know something he didn't, and he didn't like it when that happened. Even if he had been issued a warning.

Walking past both his allies and foes, he finally found a target. He got behind him and put a knife to the enemy's throat. "Don't move or-" The enemy got out his gun, a shotgun, and shot a hole in Spy's stomach. Spy blacked out.

-pagebreak-

"What a wuss. _We_ have to do all da work and he just goes up and _dies_. Dis team sucks."

Medic appeared from the base. "He vill be fine, but vill have to rest a few days. Zank you for your concern."

"No problem. Hey, can we fight some _real_ enemies now? I'm tired of these losers. Let's fight some real people, like us!"

"You vould die in ze first second of battle." Medic muttered.

"Huh? What'd you say, tough guy?" Scout said, getting up. Heavy glared at him and Scout sat back down.

"Do you really want to go into real battle?" Miss Pauling said, appearing out of nowhere. "I'm not quite sure-"

"_I'm_ quite sure I can very well kick anyone's ass. With or without dese morons. So come on! I'm ready for some real fighting. Some real adrenaline pumping action."

"You barely survived the last mission. In fact, your teamwork was so bad it was a miracle you all defeated them."

"'Cause Da Team sucks! I go out there and risk my life and you guys just stand dere and do nothin'!"

"No offense, son, but you were just running in circles with your baseball bat." Engineer said.

"Well you were stuck on da frickin' roof! How does someone get stuck on da roof?"

"_Anyway_," Miss Pauling said, trying to avoid a fight between The Team. "I can send you on a real battle, if you want. But you have a 50/50 chance of surviving."

"Cool! Let's do it!"

"Well you should think of a plan and-"

"And you should go do da boring paperwork stuff so we can go on da mission." Scout said and motioned her out.

Miss Pauling looked up to the sky. "Help them. Please."

-pagebreak-

The next day, Miss Pauling came back with all the paperwork filled out and plane tickets.

"Sweet!" Scout said, looking at his ticket. "Where we goin'? Italy? Mexico? Africa? Iceland which is actually green?"

"New York."

"New York? Aw, come on! Dey got _Yankees_ fans dere! And what fun is it still being in America?"

"Amurrica." Engineer muttered.

"America is the ultimate country, maggot! Respect it or get out of my sight before shovel here gets cranky!"

"Oh yeah? Well-"

"Hey! Relax! Stop fighting for one second!" Miss Pauling said, trying to break it up. They glared at each other but stepped away. "Now you are going to New York to fight a certain…gang, you could call it."

"You mean like da Mafia?"

"Sure. But since Spy is injured, I'll be taking his ticket and coming with you."

"You can sit with me, if you'd like."

"I'd rather not."

"Is this a private plane or one with civilians?" Engineer asked.

"We couldn't afford a private plane so-"

"You couldn't afford another shower." Scout muttered.

"So yes, we'll be with civilians."

The Team groaned.

-pagebreak-

"Please place your bag, shoes, and any metal objects on the belt so they may be scanned." A computerized voice said above them.

The Team shrugged and started removing from their pockets knives and handguns and their bags which merely contained their bigger weapons. Their shoes covered the smaller weapons from the eyes of people around them. But as they went through the scanner, there was panic. The person reading the screen was reading out the contents of the bags.

"_Flamethrower_, _shotgun_, _rocket launcher_, and a _minigun_! What is this!"

Security came out of nowhere, alerted of the news, and aimed tazers and guns at them. The Team raised their hands.

"What'd we do?" Scout asked and everyone shrugged.

"I thought I told you to leave the weapons in the car!" Miss Pauling hissed.

"We just followed da fat man!"

"Sasha cannot be alone." Heavy said.

After a half hour or so of Miss Pauling explaining, they were finally let on the plane and their bags could be seen to the car. Civilians gave them suspicious looks, but Miss Pauling didn't have time to explain to all of them the incident. The plane was almost full by the time they got on and they had a hard time finding seats. But many people moved seats to another location, fearful of the suspicious looking men, but they managed to all get a seat.

"Sorry to ask, but how did you lose your eye?" The man sitting next to Demoman asked him.

"I'd rather not talk about it, lad, but I'll give you a hint." He leaned over as if to whisper something but instead yelled out, "Ka-boom!" A flight attendant handed the man a glass of wine. "Ey? What's this frilly thing? That's nothing; _this_ is what real men drink." He produced a small bottle of scrumpy from a pocket and drunk it down in one gulp.

Scout had picked a seat next to a woman. "Hey, name's Scout, what's yours?" He started and the woman turned to face him. At least, he thought it was a woman. As soon as he/she glanced his way, he slunk down and hoped that they hadn't heard what he had said. "Awkward…" He muttered and saw across from him that Sniper was sitting between two-he was sure of it this time-women.

"Hey Sniper! Wanna switch seats?"

Sniper smiled and shook his head. "No way, mate. Believe me, I'll be keepin' these seats."

Heavy, Soldier, and Pyro had sat in seats next to each other, because frankly they were the strangest and most suspicious looking ones. Especially since Soldier still had the two grenades on him, saying they were for decoration. Engineer was rebuilding a child's broken toy next to him and Medic was sitting next to a crying baby in a mother's arms and whining toddler, much to his annoyance. His hand was curled into a fist.

"You vill need a doctor if you don't shut up." He said.

"What did you say?" The mother asked.

"Oh, notzing, notzing." He was still glaring at all three of them.

After a few more hours of this, however, Medic could take no more. "Shut up!" He yelled at them. "Just _shut up_!"

"Hey! You can't talk to my children like that!"

"You _schweinhunds_! I can't take anymore!" Medic ran into the bathroom and stayed in there for the rest of the flight, rocking on the floor muttering, "Make et stop. Make et stop. Make et stop."

But it was also around this time that the plane started to go down. People started screaming and a person got up from their seats with a shard of glass in their hand and placed it at the flight attendant's neck. The plane gained control again, for the moment.

"Finally. Somethin' excitin'." Scout said and grabbed his baseball bat at his feet. He was so fast, he knocked out the terrorist with a, "Bonk!" without them even noticing. He helped the flight attendant to her feet. "Hey, can I have your number after dis? Y'know, cause I saved your life?" But then cold steel pressed against the back of his head. "Aw, come on! The one time-"

"Shut up." The person with the gun said.

Scout gritted his teeth, knowing he couldn't say anything. He looked at The Team and mouthed, "Yo, a lil' help here?"

They shrugged. Demoman got up and tackled the man with the gun saying, "I'm tired of these motherfucking terrorists on this motherfucking plane!" The rest of The Team got up and headed to the cockpit.

"Heh. Cockpit." Scout said. The Team glared at him. "What? Dat's funny!"

They found the pilot and assistant, of course, to be dead and five terrorists in the cockpit. Two were piloting the plane. Heavy had some boxing gloves on and took down the other three with a single punch to the head each. The piloting ones realized what was happening and aimed the nose of the plane down. People were screaming, afraid it was going to crash.

The Team knocked out the two and Engineer went back to the people and asked, "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?"

No one answered; either too scared or couldn't hear him. Engineer headed back to the cockpit. "Alright then. Problem solving." Engineer got to the controls and studied it for a second.

"Hurry up, Eng, we runnin' out of time!" Scout said, holding on to something.

"Give me a minute!" Engineer yelled.

"Mate, we don't have a minute!" Sniper yelled back.

Engineer finally realized what to do and jumped on the controls. The plane was slowly pushing up, but they were getting dangerously close to the ground. "I'm gonna have to make an improvised runway!" He yelled.

"Mhhhhphhhvhhsed mmhhnmhhay?" Pyro asked.

"Yes. The road." Engineer set the plane's wheels out as they were cruising to the ground. "Let's hope we live." The Team glanced at each other and started praying.

Cars swerved out of the way, trying to avoid the jet, as the wheels squeaked on the ground. Engineer tried to stop the plane, everyone holding on for dear life. The plane finally stopped as it was about to run into traffic. Everyone let out a sigh of relief and started to cheer.

"I'm never goin' on another damn plane ever again." Scout said, still gripping the wall.

Miss Pauling arrived in the cockpit. "Did you ask if someone knows how to fly a plane? Because I do."

The Team looked ready to strangle her.

-pagebreak-

Spy woke up to an empty base. He got up from his bed and started to wander. It was only until he reached the kitchen did he find a note. "Out on a mission. Here's 5 bucks. Get milk; we're out. –The Team" There was a five dollar bill attached to the note. "P.S. If you see my mom while I'm gone, I'll kick your ass you French son of a bitch."

Spy wandered the base, unsure of what to do. He put his hand in his pocket and found another note. He started to read that one. It said, "If you wish to know the truth, call:" and there was a number. Spy thought for a second. It could be a trap or a trick. But if the note really was truthful, he wanted to know. He picked up the wall phone in the kitchen and dialed the number.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter six

"Yeah, got rid of all of 'em just like dat. Dey didn't even see what was comin'." Scout said to a female paramedic checking him for injuries. "Not bad, huh? So can I have your number or somethin'?"

"No injuries on this one!" The paramedic said and moved on, leaving Scout alone.

"Bitch." He muttered and glanced over at Engineer, who was getting all of the attention. News reporters were gathered around, calling him a hero and such. "I'm da one dat should have all da attention. I took down da first guy."

"Don't flatter yourself, mate." Sniper said, coming back from his paramedic.

"Look whose talkin'! You didn't do nothin', man!"

"I'm a long range fighter. 'and to 'and isn't really my specialty."

"And to and?"

"'And!" Sniper said, pointing at his hand.

"Oh, hand. Well you could've said dat."

Sniper sighed. "Anyway, do you know where we are?"

"How da hell should I know? I look like a GPS to you?"

"I don't think ya even know what GPS stands for, ya twit."

"I know what it means!" He thought for a second. "Gum…popping… soda."

"Yer a moron, ya know that?"

Scout ignored him. "Yo, you, paramedic!" He called one of them over. "You know where we are?"

"You should know. You got the accent and everything."

"You mean…"

"Boston, Massachusetts. Now can I go back to the other passengers?" The paramedic went back.

"Hey, Sniper! We're in Boston!" Scout said, turning to him.

"Really? I 'adn't 'eard." Sniper said sarcastically.

"Well now you have! Man, I can't believe it! I haven't been to home in years, man, years! I can go see my mom, and go see my friends…Man, it's gonna be awesome!"

"Whatever floats yer boat, mate."

-pagebreak-

The phone picked up on the first ring. "Papa John's; how may I help you?" The voice also had a French accent. But for the purposes of those reading that may be confused, they have different text.

"What?" Spy said, surprised.

Then in French, they said, "Lockdown."

Though confused, he followed the voice's order. "Lockdown?" He repeated, also in French. "Who is zis?" He switched back to English.

"Speak French. It'll take them a few seconds longer to decode this call."

"Decode zis call? Who is zis?"

"You really don't recognize my voice?"

Spy listened to it for a second. "You?"

"Yes, who else could it be? Anyway, he 'Papa John's' thing was a cover. Now, I don't have much time. If you suddenly hear silence or a loud noise, hang up immediately. Got it?"

"Yes, but-"

"Good. Now none of your 'team' is in your current location, right?"

"No, zey're out on a mission. I stayed because of a bullet wound."

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"Zat was you? You little-"

"Self defense, buddy. You should know about it. I had to pretend to be one of the bad guys to get some information. And that's why I called. I've hacked into your employer's computer for a minute or two and found out you've been trying to find out about your 'team'."

"I am ze Spy. I cannot help it. But I zink zere is somezing going on and a reason why zis team was hired. We just influenced ze whole American election."

"That was your team? You did something like that?"

"I need to keep under suspicion as much as I can."

"Well you're very much above it. But that's why I'm here. I hacked into their computer and found out all kinds of stuff. Quick, you need to make a mental note of this. Don't write it down, but keep it so buried in your head that they'll never find it."

The call went on for five more minutes. Spy had trouble keeping up with all of the information, but was very much interested. But just as the caller was about to say something particularly interesting, there was a cry out in pain after a gunshot, perhaps from a handgun. Spy immediately hung up and recited the information in his head.

-pagebreak-

"Boston, man, _Boston_! I can't believe it!" Scout was looking out the car window with wonder in his eyes.

"Don't get excited. We're only passing through." Miss Pauling said, driving the car.

"Aw, come on! Can't we go see some sights, see a game, maybe I can even see my mom…"

"You can if you want but-"

"Really?"

"_But_ you'll be without a job if you do. So feel free to open the car door and leave. _Please, you're a pain in the ass anyway_." She muttered the last sentence under her breath.

Scout grumbled. "Damn economy. I couldn't find anoder job if I tried." He turned to The Team. "Hey, you guys want to learn some Boston history?"

"No!" They said at once.

"So anyway, when da-" Miss Pauling turned up the radio volume, trying to drown out Scout. But this proved to be unhelpful. "Oh I know dis song!" He said and started to sing or hum loudly in an obnoxious voice to it.

Medic stuck a needle into Scout's neck and almost immediately the sedative took over and Scout was knocked out. "I couldn't take anymore of zat." He muttered. "Not even I could make torture vorse zan zat."

"Thank you, Medic." The Team said in unison.

The sedative, thankfully, seemed to work for the rest of the drive.. This made the car drive a little better than it would be with Scout awake, but The Team even without him still managed to get on each other's nerves with, "You're on my side!" and other childish things. Other than that, it was fine until Soldier stated reading out loudly verses he had memorized from The Art of War by Sun Tzu, at least as he claimed.

"The arts of war are very important to the United State. It is a matter of life, death, and war itself, a rocky road either to a base or a mountain of ruins. It is a subject of subjects of importance that shall never in the history of ever be forgotten. That is the genius that is the man of Sun Tzu! If only he was American would he be the most amazing person to have ever lived!"

"Uh, Soldier, mate, I don't think that was in 'is book. It's, 'Tha' art of war is of vital importance to tha State. It is a matter of life and death, a road either to safety or ruin. 'ence it is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected.' I read it, y'know."

"You? You kangaroo loving camper wouldn't know the first thing about war even if a koala taught it to you!"

"Why I aught ta…" Sniper's calm meanor surprisingly snapped at that remark.

"Augtta _what_ maggot! What?"

"This!" Sniper surprisingly took out his kukri and swung it at Soldier. Soldier blocked it with his shovel head. They swung both of their melee weapons, the other team members trying to doge them.

"Mphh Mhhht! Mhhhh Mhhht!" Pyro yelled out.

"Pyro's right! Stop it and get your heads together!" Engineer said.

"Heavy can do that!" Heavy said and smashed Soldier and Sniper's heads together. The two fighting team members were knocked unconscious. Medic silently high fived Heavy.

Miss Pauling turned around. "Okay! If any of you get into another fight I _swear_ we'll all go immediately home! On a plane!"

"Vatch out for ze road!" Medic called out, pointing towards it.

She turned around and stepped on the brakes, throwing The Team forward and causing them to hit their heads, not having worn seatbelts. Demoman scrambled out of the car once it stopped.

"Needed ta make a pit stop anyway, lass!" Demoman said and took a piss on a nearby tree.

Miss Pauling sighed. "Good thing no one's around to see this…"

Demoman got back into the car. "Watch tha tree! Bet it'll be five feet taller when we come back!" He said with a laugh.

"Just a few more hours." Miss Pauling muttered. "Just a few more hours."

-pagebreak-

"So dis is da place, huh? Looks like a piece of shit ta me." Scout said, observing the building Miss Pauling had dropped them off. It was an old, rundown looking building that looked ready to crumble if they took one step inside.

"Mhhh Mhhhhi Mhhhhrn Mhhhhht?" Pyro asked, edging his flamethrower to the building.

"No, Pyro, you can't burn it! Are you crazy?"

"Mhhhhbbhhheee…" Pyro muttered.

"Alright then, maggots! We must think of a plan! Shovel; do you have any ideas?" Soldier said, turning to the tool, which was in his clutch.

Sniper shook his head and sighed. "Maybe we can _scout_ it out before we infiltrate it." Scout was staring at Soldier's shovel, as if expecting it to move. "Scout!"

"Huh? Oh, you were talking to me! Well you could'da said dat." He took off into the building.

"Now we can wait for him to come back." The Team grumbled at this and sat down, wanting to sink their bullets into flesh.

After awhile, Engineer set up a Sentry Gun and Dispenser, bored, and Demoman decorated the building with his sticky bombs. Sniper took the laser sighting off of his sniper rifle and used the scope to look inside the windows of the building. He saw a blur of Scout running by, and suddenly many shadows of people.

"Huh? Who are you clowns?" Scout said from inside the building. "Wait…what are you doing?" There was a snapping sound. "Augh! My arm! What the hell! Hey, get away from me!" Scout suddenly flew out of a window screaming and landed on the ground, all mangled and bloody.

Pyro started to poke Scout with his axe, unconcerned. Scout, despite his condition, said, "Medic! Hey, doc, a lil' help here? Hello?" Medic seemed to not even hear him, healing Heavy who was in perfect condition. "Doc, would it _kill_ ya to point da Medigun dis way?" He finally had enough and crawled over to the Dispenser.

In the building, however, there were many sounds of footsteps coming down some stairs, apparently.

"'urry, Scout! 'ow many people were inside tha building?"

"Dyin', here. Could ya give me a sec?"

"Tell me!"

"Alright. Uh…" Scout was counting on his broken fingers. "Twenty or something. I don't know."

"Twenty? Ha! That's how many I kill before breakfast!" Soldier said, putting rockets in his rocket launcher.

"You didn't eat breakfast." Sniper said.

"Quiet, maggot!"

"Follow me, doctor." Heavy said and took off towards the building, Medic following behind. Many gunshots went off, both from the minigun and the guns of their enemies. The Team followed them inside; firing their respective guns at anything that moved that wasn't one of them.

"Makin' bacon." Engineer said after killing someone with his shotgun.

"Dis is how ya make bacon? Huh. Thought you'd have ta cook it or somethin'." Scout said.

"Don't be a smartass."

Pyro and Scout went upstairs to take down the enemies upstairs, where the loud booming of Scout's scattergun and the cries of "Fire! Fire!" was heard. Heavy and Medic went to the outside, Heavy revving up his minigun.

The rest explored around the first floor until they found a thick steel door down a flight of stairs. Demoman had discovered it and already laid sticky bombs all around. He shouted out, "Kaboom!" as the explosion went off and the door blasted open.

"You know there was a four digit pin right next to the door that I could've hacked, right?" Engineer said to Demoman.

"Yeah, but what fun is that?" He said, shooting a few more sticky bombs near the door.

The Team stepped into the room. Surprisingly, it was empty and filled with many computer screens, large and small.

"'ey this looks a lot like…" Sniper trailed off.

"Looks like what? You've seen this before?" Engineer asked.

"Nevermind." Sniper said and started to explore it. The others followed.

"Maggots!" Soldier yelled out, and it echoed. "…aggots, aggots, aggots."

Engineer examined the largest computer. "There's no control panel on it. Not one measly button! Not even something I could unscrew and look at its wires."

"Not unless you can make a hole!" Demoman said and shot a grenade at it.

"Wait! No-"

Once it exploded, the power immediately went off except for a blaring alarm. "Self destruct in 60 seconds." Sparks jumped out of the computers, ready to explode, lighting up their way so they could manage to get to the door. But there was another door in its place.

"Quick, Demoman! Blast open the door!"

"All out, boyo. I'm not made of these things, ye know."

"Well here's some metal. That should be enough ammunition." Engineer handed him a piece of a Sentry Gun.

"Ammunition? Do ye think I can magically make sticky bombs out of this? Ye need chemicals! Not some metal!" Demoman looked at his scrumpy. "Might as well 'ave one last gulp." He said and took a long gulp of it.

"Didn't ye plant some of those bombs outside, mate?" Sniper asked.

"Huh?" Demoman said and then burped. "Oh yeah!" He detonated them and the door, along with half of the building, exploded. The Team ran outside, unharmed. They met the others there.

"Yo, where were you guys? I got bored!" Scout said.

"Long story. Run to the car before this place self destructs!"

"Before it _what_?"

"Just go!"

The Team ran for their dear life and took off. Engineer stopped to detonate his machines and gather up his metal, however, not wanting to waste it. Miss Pauling, waiting in the driver's seat, managed to start up the car and drive away as the whole place erupted into flames. And explosions. The Team cheered.

"Not bad for a 'skirt twirlin' drunk', ey?" Demoman said to Soldier.

"Don't be proud of yourself, maggot! I could have done that!"

"Then why didn't ye?"

Soldier grumbled.

"Hey guys, look at dis!" Scout said. A hat from one of the people in the building was on his head, replacing the other one. "Picked it up off a dead guy."

"Why do you have that?" Sniper asked.

"Dunno. But it looks cool dough, right?"

"Dough?"

"This is _war_, maggot! This is no time to be prancing around with frilly hats on your head like you are at a tea party! Tea parties aren't even for hats either! They are for dumping tea into the ocean!"

"Look who's talkin', man! You got a hat on your head!" Scout pointed to Soldier's helmet.

"_Hat_? It's a helmet, maggot! For keeping damage off your head! Yours keeps the light off your head!" He glared at Scout.

"Don't you mean sun?" Sniper corrected.

Soldier continued to glare at Scout. He was locked in that gaze for awhile until Soldier asked, "Wanna trade?"

"Oh! I vant to trade!"

"Mpph Mhhh!"

"Heavy trades all but Sasha!"

"Me bottle o' scrumpy!"

Sniper and Engineer exchanged a confused look before they took off their hats and said, "I wanna trade too!"

Miss Pauling shook her head. "Mercenaries. Mercenaries don't go around trading hats. They're supposed to be fighting! What is this?"


	7. Chapter 7

Note: The base where The Team is staying now has a name: The Base. Aren't I creative?

Chapter seven

"Are we dere yet?"

"For the fiftieth time, _no_ Scout, we are _not_ 'dere' yet." Miss Pauling hissed, gripping the steering wheel hard enough that it turned her knuckles white. She was on the very brink of snapping.

Scout sighed and looked out the window for two seconds. "How about now?"

"We'll be there when we'll be there, _okay_?"

"Hey, can we pull over? I gotta go to da bathroom." Scout said, seeing a fast food restaurant on a sign.

"Can't you just hold it?"

"It's an emergency!"

"Then use one of Sniper's jars!"

"I don't think it'll ever be _dat_ important."

"Alright! We'll pull over! But everyone goes, even if they don't have to go!"

"Can we get some fries or somethin' while we're dere?"

"Sandvich!" Heavy said. "Ten Sandviches!"

"For all of us, Heavy?" Medic asked.

Heavy laughed, "Medic is funny!"

"Alright! We'll get something to eat!" Miss Pauling said.

"Free toy?" Heavy asked.

"I don't know why, but sure. And leave the guns in the car this time!"

The Team groaned and went inside. Many customers glanced a wary eye at the eight men and one woman entering, but merely returned to their food.

"Oh! Can I play in the tunnels?" Scout said, pointing over to an area where children were playing in the restaurant.

"You're too old for it."

"C'mon, please?" Scout begged.

"No, just-" She went to the counter. "You people are driving me nuts. I'm going to order your food and get back to the car. I'll be back."

"Can I get a free toy too?"

"Fine!" She ordered the food and disappeared outside. After awhile, The Team got their food and ate it, but Miss Pauling didn't show up. They waited a half hour with nothing.

Scout called her from a phone in the restuarant. "Yo, where'd you go?"

"How…how'd you get this number? I changed it from the last one!"

"Yeah, what's your point?"

She sighed. "I got a helicopter to take me back to headquarters. _Some_ of you must be able to drive, so you do it! Besides, I can't take you anymore!"

"I know you love _me_, right? Hello? Hello?" Scout glanced at his phone. "She hung up."

"Alright, guess I'll be driving then." Engineer said. "Anyone else know how to?"

Sniper raised his hand but no one else. "Really, mates? Really?" He asked.

"I failed da test." Scout said. "Bastards said dey never wanted to see me again. But, c'mon, they can replace all dose cars! It was an accident!"

-pagebreak-

When The Team finally arrived at the Base, they found Spy practically running towards them. "I have some information!" He announced.

"Not even a 'hello'?" Scout said.

"No offense, Spah, but we're too tired to be dealing with that. I need to take a nap." Engineer said and went inside. The others tiredly followed.

"You are all maggots! You don't need a nap! Naps are for babies and old men!" Soldier said.

"Look who's talkin'. You slept half tha' way here." Sniper said.

"Didja get da milk?" Scout asked Spy.

Spy ignored him. "But zis is important!" He yelled to the team and sighed as they left.

"Well; didja?"

"Shut up, Scout."

The next day, the Team had met in the kitchen to discuss Spy's findings. But when they had all gathered around, he said "Lockdown" in French.

"Did you just call me a shithead or somethin'?" Scout asked.

"No, I said 'welcome' in French." Spy said.

"Whatever."

"Now, I was given information from a certain source. Information about us."

"We're a bunch of guys goin' and killin' people; what's more to know?"

Spy ignored him. "I know I have already have been issued a warning zat I would be fired if I would try to find out any more information. But zey can't find out what zey don't know, is zat right?"

"What're you talkin' about, mate? Who's 'they'?" Sniper asked.

Spy read his face for a second. "'Zey' are our employers. And zey hired one of you to spy on me, ze Spy. But zere can only be one spy here, gentlemen. Now I recommend you give me ze truth or I will find out for myself."

The Team glanced at each other, trying to find out.

"Heavy is Heavy. Spy is Spy. That is truth." Heavy tried to explain.

"Well, my dim-witted friend, let me put it into simpler terms. Zere is a bad man here. Ze bad man is pretending to be a good guy. For ze smarter ones, he is a traitor. And I will find out, ze easy way or ze hard way. Zat is all." Spy started to exit the room, but stopped. "And if any of you wish to report zis, you will die ze most painful way I can zink." Then he muttered what he said at the beginning of the meeting.

There was silence for a few seconds. "Oh wait, did he mean _us_?" Scout asked.

Sniper sighed. "Were ya even paying attention?"

"I lost track at 'da'. Or as he says, 'ze'."

"The?" Engineer asked.

"Whatever."

-pagebreak-

"Mail call!" Engineer called out. The Team ran over to him in seconds, ready to accept their mail. "Okay…" He sorted through the mail. "Here's your magazine, Scout." The magazine was wrapped in a wrap that allowed no one to see what its contents were.

"Sweet. I've been waiting for dis for awhile." He ripped the wrap open and went inside the building to look at it.

"Soldier, here's your 'Guns and Haircuts' magazine."

Soldier practically ripped it from Engineer's hand. "Guns and haircuts! Nothing like that to keep the trumpets of wartime drumming!" Sniper sighed, not even bothering to correct him.

Engineer nudged a giant box near him. "Heavy, here is your package of ammunition."

"Ah, we has waited long for this!" Heavy pulled his minigun close to him. "Yes you have, Sasha." He cooed at it. The Team took a step back from him, creeped out. He placed the box on the ground and started to open, showing each individual bullet to his minigun.

"Demoman, here is your package of-no doubt about it-chemicals for your explosives."

"'No doubt about it'? You don't know what's in there, lad. I could have a…puppy in there!" Demoman was slurring his words drunkenly as he picked up the package.

"Phhhhphhhy?" Pyro said and snatched the package from Demoman's arms. But he tripped on a pebble and the package flew from his arms. The sloshing sound of chemicals was heard as it fell to the ground.

"Nooooo!" Demoman said.

"Phhhhphhhy!" Pyro said.

An explosion went off, sending The Team flying into the side of the Base and pieces of burning cardboard and packing peanut shrapnel flying at them. A tiny crater was in the ground when the smoke cleared.

Demoman knelt to the ground and started to sob. Pyro joined him, grieving for the "phhhhphhhy".

The Team ignored it and moved on. "Medic, you have five packages of who-knows what." Engineer said, motioning towards the packages. Medic gathered up the packages very suspiciously, cackling very quietly to himself and opened them, only peeking inside when no one was around.

"Okay, we all got a letter from Miss Pauling."

Scout appeared out of nowhere, digging his magazine into the bag on his back. "What's it say? She talk about me?"

"Give me a sec." Engineer said and tore it open. "Wonder why she didn't just talk to us in person."

The Team glared at Scout. "What? What'd I do?" He asked defensively.

"Read it out loud, maggot! Some of us have things to do!" Soldier was impatiently flipping through the magazine absentmindedly.

"It says, 'Dear (though you're not very dear to us) Team, We have ordered a cart full of explosives to be delivered to an area many miles west of the Base by helicopter. Now it is awhile or so away from a building that needs to be destroyed. You can identify the building by a large radio tower with a blinking red light. We cannot deliver it closer or the helicopter will be shot down. You need to push this cart near the building and detonate it, thus destroying the building and its occupants. The back of this letter comes with directions how to get to the building. Good luck.'"

"Dat's it? Nothin' 'bout me?" Scout asked, trying to read over Engineer's shoulder.

Engineer looked at the paper closer. "'P.S. Scout, go fuck yourself.'"

"Hey, she mentioned my name!"

"Get help, Scout." Spy said.

"Anyway, lastly are the…bills." Engineer said. The Team glanced at Spy. "Alright, majority wins. Here you go Spy." Engineer shoved the bills into Spy's arms.

"What? Me?" The Team hurried away, not wanting to deal with Spy. He sighed and went inside to pay the bills. As he was walking past the kitchen, however, he overheard Scout looking at his magazine.

"Oh yeah. Look at dose legs. And dose _breasts_." He muttered. Spy turned invisible and walked over to look at the magazine. It was a picture of a roasting chicken.

"Merde. You _really_ need help, Scout." Spy said, reappearing.

-pagebreak-

"Okay, Pyro beats Spy, Spy beats Sniper, and Sniper beats Pyro. Go!" Scout said and made a fist. They were in the car, driving to where the bomb would be transported.

Sniper gave him a look. "What're you doing, mate?"

"Rock paper scissors. 'Cept with our Team." Sniper kept giving him the look. "Hey, I'm bored! Just play da damn game."

Sniper shrugged. "Nothin' to do anyway."

"Okay, rock is Pyro, paper is Sniper, and scissors is Spy. Go!"

"Why am I paper?"

"'Cause you tear easily."

"Hey!"

"Don't hide da truth."

Pyro started to laugh. Sniper said to him, "Hey, you're tha' bloody rock! Ya are tha' bulky one!" Pyro stopped laughing and a sound like crying came from his mask.

"What da hell, man? Don't make Pyro cry!"

"Ignore it. Ready, go!"

Sniper sent out, obviously, Sniper and Scout sent out Spy. "Dude, you shouldn't pick Sniper. Too obvious."

"Fine. Ready, go!"

"Really? You picked Pyro? It was obvious man!"

"I just wanted to beat tha' Spy!"

"There is no Spy. You suck at dis."

Sniper looked out the window. "I don't wanna play this anymore.

Scout scoffed. "Rage quit."

Engineer, who was driving, called out to them, "Okay, we're almost there. I can even see the cart right now!"

The Team rushed to the window, all trying to see. Yelling about moving out of the way came from each one. Heavy pushed them all out of the way and hogged the whole window to him. The Team grumbled and sat back, not wanting to fight with the gargantuan man. Engineer stopped the car and they all rushed out.

The cart appeared to not even have explosives in it, a shell protecting it fully. It was on train tracks as if to move smoother. Scout went over and knocked on the shell. He leaned up against it, trying to push it. His teammates just looked at him. "So you gonna help me push da cart or what?" He asked them.

They shrugged and all pitched in to move it. But even with Heavy's help, it barely moved. "Come…on…you…maggots!" Soldier grunted. Pyro even shot some air from his flamethrower at it and attempt to move it.

"Da hell?" Scout asked, stepping away.

"Let's just see the car go kaboom and get it over with, lads." Demoman said, a crazed look in his only eye. Pyro nodded and shot a burst of fire out of his weapon.

"Wait a sec. Let me examine it first." Engineer said and took a good look at it. "Ah, here it is." He opened a small panel that was on the side of the cart. There was a screen and a note attached to it. Engineer removed it and began to read it. "'As you may have noticed, this cart is not moved by strength. Once the blue button is pressed, the cart will move automatically when you get near. Scout, being the weakest, will be able to move the cart twice as fast'."

"Hey! I'm not weak!" Scout rolled his shirt sleeve up and revealed his arm. He flexed it to show off his "muscles". "Hey! Look at dat!"

The Team rolled their eyes and Engineer continued to read. As if to show his strength, Heavy punched Scout in the face, which sent him flying. "'When you have gotten it close enough to the building, press the red button. The shell will open and you will have sixty seconds to escape before it detonates. Have fun!'"

"Zat is comforting." Spy said.

"Is everyone ready?" Engineer asked, hovering his finger over the button. The Team glanced at each other, unsure. Anticipation and a little fear were in their eyes. They readied their weapons and-

"Just press da damn button." Scout said, seemingly not have gotten punched at all. Heavy gave him a look.

Engineer obeyed and the cart lurched forward almost at once. The Team tried to keep up with it, for it was moving so fast. Heavy had the most trouble, being the slowest and having the minigun in his hand. Medic eventually got bored of trying to stay behind and healed Soldier instead. Heavy pouted when Medic left.

"Come on, fatty! We haven't got all day!" Scout yelled back at him.

"Yeah, hurry up!" Engineer said, shotgun in hand. "You're slower than molasses in January!"

"He's slower than a retarded turtle is more like it!" Scout said with a laugh.

Heavy got out his shotgun and aimed it at Scout. "Lucky leetle man today…" He growled to himself and put it away.

It was at that moment that a rocket came out of nowhere, aiming right for Scout. Scout, oblivious to the fact, continued to insult Heavy as it came nearer and…and…and…and…

…

has stopped working. Windows is finding a solution to the problem. Please wait…

…

And Pyro jumped right in front of the rocket and blew it away with a blast of air from his flamethrower. The rocket flew and crashed in front of the cart.

"'oly dooley!" Sniper said.

"Holy shit!" Scout said. "I dropped this penny!" He bent down and picked it up.

Pyro growled under his mask, angry that he didn't get any praise for saving his teammate's life.

The cart, however, kept moving forward and soon enough The Team was in the sight of their enemies and tried to dodge all sorts of projectiles. Bullets, rockets, and even a jar filled with urine.

"'ey! That's my job!" Sniper said once it fell.

"Just shoot, moron!" Scout yelled at him.

Heavy tried to fire at their enemies, but they were too far away for the minigun to reach. He, however, was oblivious of this fact. "Die, cowards!" He laughed and tried to avoid the rockets that were now aiming at the large man with the large gun. This helped distract their enemies for The Team to move closer and kill them.

The Team moved away from the cart to get a better shot at their enemies, firing their weapons in a hurry. Most of them fled, but some fell from the towers they were standing on and made a small crater of a grave. But The Team stopped when they heard a strange squeaking of the cart's wheels. They turned around to see it going backwards; away from the building.

"What da hell?" Scout said and ran towards the cart. As soon as he got near, however, it shot forward again. The Team rushed over to help push it.

"Must be a sort of failsafe. In case we leave or die, it can go back and the explosives and cart are saved." Engineer concluded.

"Bullshit. It should just keep moving forward. Wouldn't dat be easier?"

"Don't be a maggot, maggot. Push the cart!" Soldier said. "Then we'll blow these commies to hell!"

"They never said they were Communists." Sniper said.

"You questioning me, Balbo Biggins?"

"Don't do that again."

Scout spoke up. "I don't get it. Dey can lay all of dis track down; all dat hammering and stuff, but dey can't just bomb da place?"

"Shut up and push ze cart." Spy said, appearing out of nowhere.

"Where were you?" Scout said, surprised.

"I just killed ten snipers hiding everywhere, zank you very much." He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. "I love how zey just stand zere unnoticing what's behind zem." He flicked open his butterfly knife and gazed at the blade.

"Shut up, ya bloody spook!" Sniper said. He took a swing behind him with his kukri to make sure nothing was there.

The rest of the trip there was uneventful. Sure, they almost all died fifty times over, but what else is new? Engineer began to complain because there was nothing he could do but push the cart; no places to defend with his Sentry Guns or Dispensers to place because he was moving forward. He eventually left them, saying he was going to build a Teleporter. But after awhile of pushing, when they were about two-thirds to the building, there was sudden silence. No rockets, no snipers, nothing.

"Think they're plannin' something?" Sniper whispered.

"Nah, what could dey possible do? Charge all at once and completely wipe us all out?" Scout said confidently. The Team gave him a look. "Alright, alright. I'll check it out." He ran forward and came back in less than a minute. Before they could ask what was happening, he ran past them muttering, "Oh shit." Over and over again.

The Team glanced over at them. What seemed to be a whole army was charging at them, firing bullets and rockets. They glanced at each other and took off. Demoman was the only one still there.

"C'mon, I'll take you all down one…by…one." He said drunkenly, putting up his fists. When they didn't respond, he laid down some sticky bombs. "Fine! Come and get me ye two eyed bastards!" Medic ran over and had to heal him to avoid Demoman being blown up. He was running around from being gunned down as well.

"Run, dummkopf!" Medic hissed.

"Ey? You wanna fight too? I'll take you on too!"

Medic sighed and saw the incoming army getting closer. "Good luck alone." He muttered and took off.

Suddenly a whole explosion went off and body parts started raining from the sky. Demoman had laid a sticky bomb trap that they had all easily fallen into. Demoman started laughing. "It's bloody beautiful! Literally!" He knelt down to a head. "Oh, looks like they'll have to glue you back together…in _Hell_!" He got up and took a swig of his scrumpy.

The Team came back, surprised he was still alive, and began to push the cart again. When they finally caught sight of the building, snipers hiding above the building caught sight of them.

"Give you a hundred dollars if you hit 'em with a shot to the crotch." One said to them.

"Man, you can't do that. You're on." Another spoke for all of them.

Suddenly there were multiple gunshots going off, all aiming for The Team's lower section. They had to duck behind the cart to make sure that they, and possibly their future children, wouldn't be shot. Spy tried to sneak out when invisible, but the change of environment caught sight of one of the snipers and they shot him where it counted.

"Look at him flail on the ground! Pay up!"

"Oh yeah? Well you have to prove it!"

The sniper pointed at Spy, who was crawling weakly behind the cart where The Team was. "I obviously shot him! Pay up!"

"So, your kids gonna be deformed or what?" Scout asked.

"Shot right below my legs. I got lucky."

"Like hell you did."

When they were almost at the building's door, their enemies started getting desperate. They rushed towards them, hoping to injure them at least, but it was a vain attempt and they were all shot down or blown to pieces.

"Okay, I'm going to press the red button." Engineer warned. "When we do that, run like hell and hope you live."

"Wish we had some background music to go with dis. It would make it so intense. Hey, I should get an Indiana Jones hat and do dat scene, remember?"

"Keep shooting, Short Round!" Soldier yelled at him.

Engineer ran, opened the panel, and pressed the button. The Team ran at once, along with their enemies. Some came near it, not actually knowing what it was. The shell began to open and reveal the giant cache of explosives and bombs.

Scout began to hum the Indiana Jones theme as The Team ran. They tried gunning down anyone who tried to get away like them and eventually reached a Teleporter.

"Everyone get on! I put the exit right near the car!" Engineer said.

The Team began to fight each other to take the Teleporter, swiping their melee weapons in the air to repel them. Heavy, being the biggest, managed to get on first. Scout got tired of waiting and ran to the car. Some, though they were slower, took his example. Demoman was the last to get on the Teleporter and saw the explosion.

A giant plume of fire went off and pieces of shrapnel and body parts began to rain from the ground. "I gotta get me some of those." He said, excitement in his eyes, before he disappeared into the Teleporter and a chunk of concrete almost crushed him and destroyed the entrance.

-pagebreak-

"Hey Eng, I was wondering; why did you do the mail call?" Scout asked.

"Yeah, I rather not explain that." Engineer said, embarrassed. He glanced worriedly over at a Sentry Gun sitting near a mailbox and a delivery truck overturned on its side, tires popped.


End file.
